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The Great Snail Race
The Great Snail Race image
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Participants WitchyPenguin, The Snellville Elder
Date February 07, 2009
Location From Snellville to Arch of Snellville (distance: 14 miles, 22.5308 km)

The Great Snail Race was a bet made between The Snellville Elder and WitchyPenguin, seeing who can traverse fourteen miles of raw snow first.

They started at SnellBook and ended at the Arch of Snellville, just beyond the city limits.

The event[]

It all started on WitchyPenguin's talk page...

Ya know, you got bad taste in transportation... STEAM RULES! --The Snellville Elder

To which the response was:

"cackles" Wanna drag? Broomsticks are much more better than your silly steam contraption. Once I wipe the floor with you in our little drag race then I'll clean it up with my Broomstick's broom as well! --WitchyPenguin

It was ON.

The sun rose over Snellville that fateful morning.

Snelder just finished eating his coal. A cackle was heard, and WitchyPenguin soon flew down from the sky, right to the regal steps of SnellBook, where Snelder was already floating.

The Elder was quite a RocketSnail to behold, with his propellers, smoke, telegraph poles, and mighty boiler jutting out of his shiny, black shell. The contraption barely lifted him a foot off the ground, but he sure was reliable. Loud roaring sounds bellowed from Snelder's inner-mechanisms, like any steam engine would do. He was a living relic, attempting to beat a modern sorcerer.

WitchyPenguin, by stark contrast, brought in her best broom. It was streamlined, well oiled, and ran on a simple gasoline-based broomstick fuel created by the magician herself. It's mechanisms were as quiet as that humming sound a computer makes: the cutting edge of transportation, disguised as a broom.

It was a race that was not soon to be forgotten.

As Snelder drank gallons upon gallons of water (to prevent himself and his steam engine from overheating), as well as eating a pile of coal, WitchyPenguin just clapped her flippers and caused broom-fuel to pour in.

She was done in three seconds, Snelder took ten minutes. All of this time, WitchyPenguin continued to mock the aged gastropod.

"Heh eh heh! You actually think you can beat me with that pathetic excuse of propulsion fused to you? Please! I could beat a generic RocketSnail!"

The Elder refused to listen, continuing to eat his coal and gulp his water.

"I mean, come on! Your steam, I'm internal-combustion... plus a little magic. I could beat you in a car!"

Snelder just looked up at WitchyPenguin.

"Save it for the finish line, whippersnapper."

WitchyPenguin cackled.

"You only fly at half the speed of a RocketSnail! You can't get more than eleven inches off the ground! It takes all of that coal to take you seven miles, twenty gallons to take you six!"

"I packed snacks." The Elder showed WitchyPenguin the little zip-lock baggies of coal and jugs of water.

WitchyPenguin laughed and laughed. She continued her chortling, to an extent in which she did not hear the Snell-Libro shout "PROCEED"!

It was not until Snelder a mile gone (steam engines/trains go pretty fast after they finish shoveling) that WitchyPenguin noticed he was gone.

Snelder shouted from way beyond.

"Heh heh! Didn't know steam could go that fast, did ya? Well, you've got a lot ta learn, Missie!"

It sure was fast (though nothing to a modern RocketSnail), but it sure shocked WitchyPenguin, who thought stem took you five miles per hour on a good day. She realized her mistake.


She broke the Fourth Wall.

WitchyPenguin said the names of several punctuation marks and kicked her broomstick into gear.

She quickly accelerated to 100mph, coming closer and closer to Snelder by the second. She passed him in four. The Elder, on the other hand, slowed way down due to overheating. A gulp of water and several coal, and he was back to speed. WitchyPenguin, by now, traversed two miles, leaving Snelder in the dust with one and a half.

The worst was yet to come. Rocky terrain lay ahead.

WitchyPenguin, in arrogance, turned back to look at Snelder puffing along at a good clip.


In cartoon-fashion, WitchyPenguin collided into a boulder. Snelder managed to reach the point of collision, and between hyperventilating, he laughed at the crashed WP. Eating more coal and drinking more water, he sped off, getting more overheated as well. He hadn't pushed himself this hard since he built Snellville.

Witchy Penguin regained consciousness, and upon finding her broomstick, she said the names of more (and more uncommon) typographical marks and continued on her way. The track was easy to find, since Snelder left a huge line of black smoke from his engine.

The Snellville Elder successfully reached the four-point mark before WitchyPenguin, but he didn't get all cocky. He was too old for that.

WitchyPenguin dumped nitroglycerin into the mix with her broomstick fuel, which was illegal. Each was supposed to use their normal power... but WP was a cheater... DUH.

She soon regretted that. Her broomstick was now travelling five times its normal speed, nearly breaking the land-speed record in the real world. The broom's bristles caught on fire and soon burned off. She just traversed six more miles, making ten completed. However, she lost balance at this speed, and soon, her broomstick became unstable, and she fell face first into the deep snow. Her broomstick exploded to pieces.

WitchyPenguin wailed in misery, and since her other brooms were all in storage, she now lacked one. She would have to cheat more to trek the next four miles across a wind-swept plain.

She slowly continued.

Snelder, meanwhile, just finished spinning from the Nitro incident.

"That dern cheater, always playing unfair!"

The Elder ate some more coal and more water, and sped himself up even higher. He just finished crossing seven miles, WitchyPenguin at ten.

WitchyPenguin kept waddling, saying the names of extremely uncommon typographical marks to herself and cursing her cheating ways. She just covered three hundred yards on foot. She also used her magic to conjure up a cloak to keep warm. She was infuriated, yet determined.

Snelder was about to reach nine miles, himself getting extremely tired and overheated. On a normal day, he would have stopped and cooled his boiler in the snow. Not today. He kept on chugging.

WitchyPenguin had the great fortune to find a log from a tree lying in the snow. Using her powers, she created a ramshackle broom that could travel a bit faster than Snelder.

She kicked her broomstick to gear and continued. By the time her cheap broom got to full speed, Snelder was right behind her.

By now, twelve miles passed for each of them, WitchyPenguin still ahead of Snelder. Snelder had to actually fly at ground level and have snow go into his mouth to keep up. He ran out of water, and had few coal left. The ancient snail was pushing it. If gastropods could sweat, he would.

The Elder wondered:
"Whoo, what have I gotten myself into?"

Thirteen miles down, the final stretch to come. It was a completely level, obstacle-free mile to the mighty Arch of Snellville.

WitchyPenguin's other broom broke shattered, so she had to make one off a twig, slower than Snelder.

The snail, now out of coal, was running out of speed. He just caught up to WitchyPenguin, both of whom were now adjacent to one-another.

The finish line was now shortly away. WP, in cheating, threw some snow straight into Snelder's boiler-area, slowing him down dramatically. They were now but few feet from the finish line.


They crossed it too close to call.

It was a photo finish!

The review board stared at the video, and then the image. One took out a magnifying glass and saw the truth.

The Snellville Elder had won by flinging his hat!

Confetti poured as Snelder was dragged up to the platform.

He was given some coal and fresh water.

WitchyPenguin, meanwhile, slapped herself silly, screaming the names of over 2,000 punctuation marks and even inventing 600 more! She also flung her broomstick, and it hit Penghis Khan. WHACK!

What a race!


WitchyPenguin lost to a snail, the photo-finish print became a hit item at the Shell Store, tourism at the Arch of Snellville swarmed, and CP tour guides gave tours on the race.

WitchyPenguin later returned and got zapped by Darktan, while Snelder was hailed as a champion.


Got anything to say on this, Explorer or anyone else who wishes to speak?

"Heh. Didn't see this coming. I was expecting a parody of the Tortoise and the Hare. Or, at least, the Arch collapsing on WitchyPenguin; that would have been fun." --Explorer

"Steam goes fast. I knew it!" --G

"I wove WitchyPwengwin! Sneldew's a pwoopy!" --Manny Peng

See also[]

  • Arch of Snellville

External links[]