Club Penguin Fan Universe
Is that a bank... behind their igloo?
Vital statistics
Participants Midas and Herb,
Perry the Puffle
Explorer 767

Date September 19th, 2009
Location Midas and Herb's back yard, Club Penguin.

On September Nineteenth, Midas and Herb built a federal bank, since the USA didn't have one. Well, Herb claims they did it so Midas would have an excuse to look at other companies' gold.

Near the end of the day, their bank (or what was left of it) was donated to Amluc Riam for what he claimed was "an urgent and neccessary step of the financial future of Freezeland". That was rather odd, since Amluc's other two central banks sent the nation into a spiralling repression.

The event[]

Chapter One: Mom, the Banks are Sluggish[]

Midas and Herb sat at the tree near their family's igloo. To the right, Canren was watching them, and the the left and elsewhere, stood the family's rolling four acres of space.

Midas, as usual, was thinking about gold. Herb was going over a book on Obbsessive Compulsive Disorder. Canren was staring at them.

Miss Aurumen came to the two and informed them that she was going across town to cash a check, and that she was probably going to be there all day, because the banking systems have been sluggish ever since Barrick Abanana took over the Treasury.

"Okay boys, if you need anything, call me. Canren is going to be your babysitter for the day, as normal, and Midas, remember to put my gold back when you're done with it! Here's some money for her efforts, remember to give it to her."

Midas nodded as he was given the Coins and instructions. Canren was already standing next to them when she drove off.

"Midas, Herb, as you both know, I'm in charge for the day. You are to tell me ANYTHING you plan to do this afternoon."

Midas smiled. "Yes ma'am, I will!"

"Good." Canren ran off to use the phone.

"Wait, Canren! You forgot your money..." Midas called out as he raised his flipper with the coins, shaking them.

It was too late, Canren was gone. Midas lowered his flipper and looked at the coins. They gleamed in the light of the rising sun. He put the coins in his inventory and kept one out to look at.

"Hmm..." Midas thought. "If money makes the world go round... -but nobody can access it quickly because the banks are clogged... then society would die!"

Midas turned to Herb.

"Herb, we can't let society die!" the penguin screamed to his stepbrother, who was startled. Herb put the book away and looked at Midas with his usual "you're crazy" look.

"Well, I was thinking about money- as usual -when it hit me. Mom's gonna be at the bank all day because the system is broke. Why is the system broke, Herb?"

Herb held up a picture of Barrick Abanana.

"No, no, not that! I'm talking about the bank! Wait, the bank! Of course! HERB, I KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO TODAY!"

Herb smiled at his naive younger sibling.

"Hey, where's Perry?" asked Midas.

Chapter One and One Half: Monolouging is So 2005[]

Perry, while the two penguins were discussing, had slipped off and jumped into a manhole across the street. The puffle flew down a tube and into a purple underground room with a small television screen labeled "MMK" hanging from the wall. Perry landed upon a seat with a thud, placing a boater hat on his head. The screen flashed and showed a satellite uplink with TSP, a high-ranking Mabel fan, wearing the Klan's regalia.

"Hello there, Perry the Puffle. While burning effigies on Explorer's lawn, one of our Hailers managed to overhear Explorer discussing a recent purchase regarding particle accelerators. Now, I have no idea what he could possibly be doing, but given the circumstances, it involves something that will hurt Our Lady. As the Klan's mercenary, it is your duty to stop whatever device Explorer is constructing. Go forth, be safe, and remember, Mabel Power!"

TSP went off.

Perry nodded and hopped off the chair, scooting to a hovercraft. He activated its fan and flew off.

Out of nowhere, a quartet sang:

Doohickey Industries' Headquart-eeeeeeers!

Arriving at Explorer's igloo (which was actually the one next door), Perry crashed through the roof, raining ice blocks on Explorer.

"Oh, come on!" cried the Adelie penguin, twisting his propellor cap's rotors in frustration. "My bills are high enough as they are already!"

"You know," said Fred from across the room, "if you had attended that economics class at secondary school you would have known how to save your money."

Explorer glared at Fred, then the puffle.

"But this time.... you will pay, Perry.... yes, that's right, cough it up!"

Perry rolled his eyes and took out a wallet. Explorer, examining the transaction, smirked. "Okay, now that's done, time for you to witness my new anti-Mabel creation!"

Explorer motioned to Fred, who sighed and tugged a switch on the wall. Nothing happened.

"Explorer, the switch is broken," called Fred.

"Well, why don't you use your amazing math skills and fix it?"

"Explorer, I'm a math nerd, not a circuitry nerd."

"Fine..." Explorer groaned. "Perry the Puffle, would you mind just sitting there while I activate my auxiliary trap activator to trap you? Thanks."

The penguin waddled over to where Perry was standing, took out a measuring stick, and began counting floor tiles. Perry watched, dumbfounded.

At last, Explorer put away the measuring stick and jumped on a floor tile. Immediately, a large ray machine rose up out of the floor at the end of the room. It was light blue in color and conical in shape, with a dashboard complete with screen and controls welded onto its larger end, and multicolored levers and buttons surrounding its body, which tapered off to a hole at the machine's point. As Perry watched, the machine started whirring, and shot a blue beam of energy at the ground below Perry. The puffle sunk into the floor like it was made of quicksand. Explorer smirked.

"Like it? It's my new matter-manipulating ray. Well, it's actually Fred's ray," added Explorer, "he wrote the equations necessary for the machine to function.... anyway, today is Mabel's dreaded Von Injoface family reunion at Charles' Key, and I just can't STAND the entire Von Injoface Family being so merry and sadistic and evil and everything!"

Explorer paced across the room while monologuing on his scheme.

"So, I -- by the way, monologuing is SO 2005 -- ahem, I, Explorer Freddell Antics the Thirteenth, will use Fred's Matter-Manipulator 3000 to increase the frequency of the vibrations of the cesium atoms in Charles Maniaca von Injoface's atomic clock, thus messing up the schedule of the ENTIRE von Injoface's family reunion! EVERYONE WILL BE LATE TO THE PARTY!"

Perry's eyes widened in horror.

"Yes, that's right, Perry the Puffle, stare in horrendous awe. Fred says I still owe him for the ray AND the times when he got trapped in the traps I laid for YOU."

The igloo roof opened up as Explorer walked over to the machine, turned it on, and leaned on it.

"So, Perry, watch as Charles' atomic clock is set one hour early, thus making every puffle in the Von Injoface Family LATE for their stupid reunion! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chapter Two: Huminah[]

Midas had already sketched off the blueprint for his new idea, and Herb had ordered the parts.

Canren was on the phone.

"No Macy, just because he was once in the Mafia doesn't mean he isn't hot! Yes, yes he did reform! How do I know? Umm, that's classified. No, really! What, no, I'm NOT with the government! Psshh, where did you get that idea? The chicks? Yes, they're beha-"

Canren looked out the window as a truckload of marble pulled into their driveway, coupled with sheets of steel and several dissasembled pillars. Her beak could have dropped to the floor.

"Macy, I have to leave!" with that, Canren ceased her phone call and dashed out to the back yard.

"Okay, sign here, please validate your South Pole City city council status... good, okay." the contractor looked over the signatures. Species, Dorkugese and Macaroni, parents... age... the conteacter looked up from the documents after reading the age. "Wait, aren't you a little young to instate a federal money handling system?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Well, it's good to see kids investing in the future of our government! Did your parents allow you to use their land, and do you have it in writing?"

Herb held up a sheet written in crayon, with Miss Aurumen's signature on it, in pen. Under her signature was "you're so creative, see you later in the day, XOXOXOOX, Mom".

"Okay, it's all in order! Good luck!"

Canren waddled outside and grabbed Midas by his robe.

"Okay, WHAT is going on here?"

"Oh, Canren! Hello, I was just about to tell you when you came out here. Also, Mom wanted me to give you your salary."

Midas handed the coins to Canren.

"Thanks. Now, what IS this?"

"We're building a FEDERAL RESERVE!"

"A what?"


"What's that?"

Herb suddenly began speaking in his distinct monotone accent:
"It's a centralized banking insitution, rumored to be privatized, that is granted the sole authority to mint and maintain currency, as well as face values, images, and authorization. They adjust information and get data from mini-bank branches in a sprawling bureaucracy. Federal reserves are a subject to much controversy. They loan money to the masses and to businesses while charging interest and the middle-penguin. Crazies claim this money is shipped to villains. In Freezeland, there are two Federal Reserves in place."

"Yeah, what he said!"

"OOH, I'm calling Miss Aurumen!"

Miss Aurumen was quietly standing in line for the bank.


Miss Aurumen was startled and looked around, because she had heard screaming.


Realizing it was her phone, she answered it.

"Canren, what it it?"


"A bank?"

"Well, actually, a federal reserve... -but still. YOU'VE 'GOTTA COME AND SEE!"

"Sigh... Canren, you're their babysitter, you figure out what to do. I'll be home as soon as possible. Bye."

Miss Aurumen hung up.

"Canren, it's done!"

Canren was stunned. A huge marble building stood before her, complete with gleaming white columns, rooving, and a USA flag on the a spire. A brazen door with the letters "M" and "H" were emgraved on its surface. Above that was the phrase UNITED STATES OF ANTARCTICA FEDERAL RESERVE, SINCE 2009, COURTESY OF M&H ENTERPRISES.

Canren stared.

"Humminah humminah humminah humminah humminah humminah humminah......."

"Well? What do you think?"

All of a sudden, Olivia jumped over the fence and waddled up to Midas and Herb.

"Hey Midas," she said in her cute voice. "Quid facis?" A romantic theme played out of nowhere.

"Institutionalizing a central bank." Midas responded.

"Umm... what are you doing here?" asked Olivia, facing away from the stepbrothers.

The camera panned out to show Mayor McFlapp, who was playing the theme on a guitar.

"Nothing... wot.."

The Mayor broke the instrument on the ground and exited screen right.

Turning back to Midas, Olivia said, "That sounds so cool!"

"Okay, let's go inside!"

Chapter Two and One Quarter: Thud[]

As Perry watched, the Matter-Manipulator 3000 rose up on a pedestal, rearing upwards on its stand to prepare to fire at the distant Charles' Key. Explorer walked down from the pedestal so as to better admire his (or, rather, Fred's) creation, and as he did so, Perry whipped out an invisible string with a grappling hook at the end, and flung it across the length of the room, the hook attaching to Fred's desk.

"What the--"


Explorer tripped on the string, causing him to fall back and hit the release switch for Perry's trap. Our hero sprung into action!

"You know," said Fred as Perry began to beat Explorer up with a spare screwdriver, "if you had taken that igloo organization class at college, you would have placed that release switch elsewhere, where it wouldn't--"

"Oh, put a cork in it, Fred!"

Chapter Three: Tours[]

Midas sat at a big table with Herb and Canren.

"Well, first thing's first. We need to order everyone to give me- err, the bank, their scrap gold for a gold standard. Gold representing currency allows for a stabilization of finances, since you can't print money without mining gold. I'm gonna go make some calls. Herb, you go outside and give tours."

Herb nodded.

Everyone stood at the lobby of the bank. White tiles lined the floors and a rather bland shade of off-white served as wall paint. A giant pebble currency symbol served as a large circular rug. Midas' tendancy to use bland clors could not have been more apparent. Herb managed to add some variation by hanging pictures on the walls.

"Now, as with any bank, the real action is behind the scenes. If you would follow me through the large "Employees Only" door..."

Midas and the others walked behind a desk and down a hall. A large, burly security gaurd stood in front of the large metal door. It seemed he was a Jock Penguin. The Jock greeted Midas, Herb, and the guests, and let them through, but he gasped as he saw Olivia walk through. Thinking quickly, he grabbed Olivia by her vestments and yanked her out.

"Oww, oh! Let me go! I'm with the builders!"

"Sorry, miss but we don't allow government employees back here. Company policy. Are you to perform an audit? If so please takes the door next to me."

Still holding Olivia, the guard gestured to a wooden door with the words "AUDITORS HERE". Beyond it, she could have sworn that she heard cries of "let me out!" inside it.

"Wait, government employee?" Olivia interjected, "No no, I'm a Governance employee. It's really a commom mistake. See, we're a utilities company holding an absolute monop-"

The gaurd dropped the penguin to the ground, and she waddled in to catch up with the group.

Chapter Three and One Quarter: He'll Feel that in the Morning[]

Perry and Explorer had both picked up screwdrivers and were now dueling their way across the igloo.

"Parry, fence, and HA! Take that, Perry the -- OUCH!"

Perry jabbed the screwdriver's handle into Explorer's stomach.

"Ooh, he's going to feel that in the morning," commented Fred.

Explorer, sent backwards by the force of the blow, slammed into the Matter-Manipulator 3000, which beeped loudly and began shaking.

"Uh-oh," said a dazed Explorer, "I think I hit the big red button..... this is going to be fun."


"Quick!" cried Explorer, frantically dashing towards the machine. "We must extract the protonator from the Matter-Manipulator 3000 before it is too late!" Explorer, Perry, and Fred began frantically unscrewing a panel off the machine's body.

Without warning, the machine began blasting beams of deletion energy everywhere.

Chapter Four: Central Banking, Dawg[]

"You know, I could start by just explaining everything with speech, but really, that's just not how I roll. I'll fill you in with the basics here. HIT IT!" Midas turned to an employee. The employee put on a record as Midas began.


Reserved Central Banking - from a P&F song (Spa Day)


Central banking...
Bank runs are denied,
We raise and drop lines,
-and supply...

Central banking! (Yeah,)
It's simple indeed,
We edit your supply for the economy!
We inflate it in the months of your shoppin',
In slow times it we make it go droppin'!

Drop rates!
Save banks,
Cash backed!
Preventin' systemic crashes
Keeps yo livin' intact!

Central banking! (Yeah,)
(No way!)

Don't do very much!

Market committees!

Bank's bank,
Oversized bureaucracy!

...yeah, the bureaucracy!

Central banking! (Yeah,)
We do it fine enough!
Just ignore that there weirdo
-and continue to buy.
Use your money wisely
-and you will be fine!

Central banking!

Midas and Herb led the others up an observation balcony to look over a large room with penguins sitting at desks.

Chapter Five: Hush, Olivia, and Macy, Get Me My Data[]

"This," Midas stated, "is the regulatory department. Part of any central bank's job is maintaining the economy. It can't get too inflated, or folks can't buy their bread. It can't get to deflated, because that normally makes unemployment. We adjust wages and such to make sure that people with too much money don't get more than the companies and banks can give. Right now, the economy is too deflated, so we're getting businesses to lower wages a bit."

Olivia raised her flipper to speak. "Wait, isn't the economy on a roll right now? Why do you need to regulate the private sector when it's-"

"-AND, we're moving on!"

Olivia continued walking, a bit confused, to the next room.

"Now, over here is where we maintain our branches. There are a lot of little mini-banks who give us information to regulate the economy with. These get their information from actual banking banks that deal with the normal penguin. Here, I'll show you."

Midas called over a crony and asked him to call up a branch. A rather bored adolescent penguin picked up the phone. Slurping could be heard. She was apparently drinking coffee.

"Hello... you've reached Federal Reserve Bank, District One. This is Macy McGuffin speaking. What do you need?"

"Hello Macy!"

Macy spit out her coffee and stopped slouching at her desk.


"Hi Macy, I see you're all excited about your new job! It beats that hot dog stand, doesn't it?"

"Uhh..... how did you get in the central bank?"

"I built it."

Macy spit out her coffee again.

"I just wanted to get some data from the bank Mom's at."

"Okay... well, they've been reporting the usual coming and going, there's not really a pattern to report."

"Are you sure? Could you check?"

"Yeah yeah..." Macy hit a button calling for a collection of data from the local bank.

The normally quiet employee area of the bank Miss Aurumen was in was pierced by a ringing telephone. A teller picked up the phone.


"Yes, this is Federal Reserve Bank One calling in for grassroots data."

"Yes, we have it, excuse me a second."

The teller turned to Miss Aurumen.

"Here's your paycheck, miss."

Miss Aurumen waddled off to a couch to read her money,

"Who requested this? Midas and Herb? The builders? Oh, I'll give it right over."

Miss Aurumen halted.

"Did you say Midas and Herb? Aurumen and Tacet, respectively?"

The teller queried, then said, "Yes, they apparently wanted grassroots data for the central bank they built."

Miss Aurumen laughed, thinking the boys were just playing around and make-believing.

"Those two are so imaginative. I hope they're not cutting into your work."

"No ma'am," said the teller, "just doing my job."

"I'll talk to them when I get home," said Miss Aurumen, opening up her check and reading it.

"WHAT? Why, that, that's lower than last month's salary!"

Miss Aurumen went back up to the register as the teller was on the phone.

"Sir, my check is lower than last month. Why?"

"Hold on a second, got a customer," he put the phone on hold. "The government is adjusting the economy to prevent inflation and recession. Your check is lower as such."

"Well... if the government mandates it... there must be a reason..."

Miss Aurumen stormed off.

Chapter Six: Of Course He Can, You Silly Bishoppess[]

"Over here is where we order the mints to print and not print, or in the USA's case, to dig."

Midas waved to a nearby office woker clad in a dark black cloak. He waved back.

"Hey Midas, who's that?"

"He's an employee."

"Uh huh."

The employee approached Midas and bowed graciously, to the others' onlooking.

"Boss, I just wanted to let you know that we have to remove fifty ingots of gold to exchange for currency. Some random rich penguin wants an immediate conversion. He's swapping his entire savings."

Midas' eyes widened.

"Wh-what?" Midas stretched out a flipper as the wheelbarrow of gold headed out. He lowered his flipper and let out a deep sigh. He turned to the worker.

"I need you to tell the mints to double the output for the next five hours."

Olivia began qureying to Midas again.

"Midas, there's only enough gold here for the current rate. Your production is equivalent to redeemable gold, remember?"

Midas nodded and pondered this for a moment. The same worker interrupted.

"Well, my boss... you can keep it stable... -but people might begin to redeem yo- the bank's gold. You can order us to unpeg the rate... -and you- we get to keep the gold... -but... the economy might take a hit..."

"Now, hold it!" Olivia shouted to the employee. She seemed to have detected a hint of evil in the worker. That, or she was defending her crush who is easily exploited. "You can't go changing the economy to meet YOUR demands! Isn't this a part of the GOVERNMENT?"

"Of course he can, you silly bishoppess! Now, let Midas make the choice."

"Olivia's right. We can't just change the economy for........"

Midas saw another wheelbarrow of gold head to a distribution truck. His greed got the best of him.

"Guys, we're goin' fiat!"

Herb slapped his flipper upon his forehead.

Miss Aurumen, having finally completed her business at the bank, was getting into her car. She thought it only fair to call Canren.

"Hello, this is Canren. To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Miss Aurumen, Canren. I'm going to pick up groceries, and then you can show me that bank Midas and Herb built when I arrive."

"Hee hee hee hee hee! *''dial tone''*

Canren had hung up. Miss Aurumen smiled and thought out loud, "It's probably just some sort of online virtual game or something. Ah, those boys' imaginations."

She drove away.

Chapter Six and One Quarter: It Will Explode![]

Back at Explorer's igloo, the group had been trying to extract the protonator from the Matter-Manipulator 3000 in vain.

"IT'S NO USE!" screamed Explorer. "IT'S NO USE, WE ARE DOOOOOOMED!!!!"

Explorer attempted to run towards the exit of his igloo, but the ray machine fired a beam of deletion energy right above it, causing rubble to fall and block the exit.

Perry the Puffle glared and took out his handy-dandy grappling hook. Climbing up to the top of the igloo, he spotted Miss Aurumen's car a few blocks away, heading for the Plaza. Perry whirled the hook, then threw it.


The hook caught onto the car's spoiler. Perry only had a few seconds left before the rope would pull taut.

Prying the panel on the side of the Matter-Manipulator 3000 just slightly open, Perry tied the end of the rope around it and used scissors to cut his way through the maze of wires concealing the protonator.

Then, as Miss Aurumen's car sped past, the rope pulled taut and the panel came off.

Quickly, Perry removed the protonator from the machine and jumped onto the panel like it was a snowboard, riding it down Tri-State Lane waterskiing-style.

"You did it, Perry the Puffle!" cried Explorer. "You saved--"


The machine, sending sparks everywhere, exploded, blowing half of Explorer's igloo into the air and sending more deletion rays into the wild blue yonder.


Canren was pacing as she waited for her employer to return. There was no way they could remove a marble building from their backyard!

Her phone began ringing, so she answered it.

"Hi Macy, what's up? Is your new banking job going good?"


"You just figured that out, huh?" Canren sighed, sarcastically.

"So... they really DO do this all the time?"

"Yes. Wait- how do you tie in to the bank?"

"I'm at a member bank. Central banks have members to get data-"

Canren squealed.


"Say what now?"

"How many district branches of that bank are there?"


Canren squealed again.


Midas had just ordered the currency to be unpegged to the Gold Standard. Barrick's advisor persuaded him to agree. Now he could fire up the printing press and keep his gold.

Then, just as the employee slipped back into the shadows, another employee ran up to Midas.



"Local bank Tri-State Lane, District One! Everyone's withdrawing their money! The bank is losing everything!"

"THAT'S THE BANK MOM GOES TO!" Midas responded, "We can't let THAT go bankrupt! Mom would have to drive for MILES!"

"What can we do? It'll take an hour to repeg the currency! All of the documents that did that were SHREDDED! WE HAVE TO REWRITE THEM!"


The shady employee laughed from afar.

"All according to plan."

Miss Aurumen was driving down Tri-State Lane to the grocery store at the Plaza (remember, Tri-State Lane is directly north of Plaza Hill). On the lane heading in the opposite direction, miles and miles of cars sat bumper to bumper. She turned off the radio to get better focus. Her favorite radio DJs were on.

"GGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD AFTERNOOON, ANTARCTICA! I'm Jose, this is Josea, and this is 133.7 AM, Trinitrotoluene Radio! We're so fresh, we're about to EXPLODE!"

"Shut it, Jose."



"Well, if you're in Antarctica, don't expect to make it home on time! Nasty bank runs have snarled the main roadways all across the country! It's traffic city out there!"

"That's the evils of capitalism, my poor naive assistant."

"The chairman of the Federal Reserve has no comment at this time, but he says that he's working on it as we speak!"

"Do you kow WHY he's not saying anything, Jose?"



Miss Aurumen switched off the radio.

"Bank run? Oh..." Miss Aurumen thought to herself. "At least I left with my money before it was too late..."

She turned off the main road and headed to the grocery store.

Chapter Six and Two Quarters: Cue Deus Ex Machina, Canren[]

Perry the Puffle bounced up and down, riding the ray machine's panel behind Miss Aurumen's car. Sparks were flying onto the road behind them as he held onto the protonator with his telekinesis.

As the car sped down the road, it hit a speed bump.


The panel lurched to the right, throwing Perry and the protonator off into the distance. The protonator, still critically unstable, exploded in a burst of deletion energy over District Bank One.


Macy was sending the data when the foundation of the bank started shaking. Everyone evacuated as their building evaporated into thin air. A sizzling sound, followed by the smell of aromatherapeutic candles, were all that was left.

"...well..." Macy sighed, interuppting the silence, "I'm off to look for a new job."

Midas, still panicking about his local bank run, was interrupted by Herb. Herb took out flags and began signalling him on a plan.

"That's a great idea, Herb! We're the lender of last resort! Call up the member banks, we need to bailout Mom's bank!"

"Uh... Boss..." a worker said, "Bank District One... somehow disappeared.

"WHAT!?!" Midas bellowed. "GET DISTRICT TWO!"







"Yes! Wait...... nope."


"Yes, they're......."


"No, Six is standing!"


"Yes sir!"

To be continued...


See also[]

External links[]

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