|This tale has been told! It's done!|
|The Philly Cheesesteak Test|
Please make up a reason why the above image is false.
|Participants|| PSA, |
Serious Cat (maybe)
Unlucky Ship Victims
|Date||June 6, 1986|
|Location||What is now the Cove, Club Penguin.|
The Philly Cheesesteak Test is an alleged conspiracy theory involving a boat named the S.S. Elfringe, a bunch of furry aliens, cheesburgers, an attempt to cloak the ship, and the poor souls aboard.
It was June 6, 2003. PC3 was yet to come, and the PSA just began to defend the small village of Penguin Chat 2, a little area founded by a group called "the Club". One day, this would become the great city of Club Penguin, but that is far away. Their HQ was a mere closet compared to what it is now, but the PSA was still a force to be reckoned with. In 2003, a secret group claiming to be affliated with the Masters of the Universe came them to do some strange and dangerous tests to strengthen their defenses in the case of a major war.
The Director we know today ruled back then, and he approved the ideas. Thus, the Project had begun.
Choosing a ship called the S.S. Elfridge and signing its crewpenguins into a vow of secrecy, they explained the plan. Since the document is classified, we do not know the true intentions of the event, nor what really went down at the then uninhabited Cove of CP.
The alleged event
Foldy came forth and presented a videotape, some photographs, an audio recording, and even pictures which claimed to document this incident. Their authenticity is questionable, since Foldy is paranoid of every conspiracy theory ever devised.
"All right." a gruff voice said. "We're going to need nineteen miles of wire, some alluminum scaffolding, a large computer, a lightning rod, a generator that can produce 30,000+ volts of electricity, and lots of coffee."
"I can't work without coffee, neither can Rory."
"Okay, you're the boss."
The penguin saluted to the unseen figure and ran off.
The S.S. Elridge was sitting in the harbor, her stern facing the shallow waters. A (rented) battleship didn't belong in such a small clearing, but here it sat.
An eager officer sat on deck.
"I can't wait to see what they're going to do with this ship! It's an honor to help their defenses!"
The other officer agreed. Soon, a few more sailors came and sat down next to the officers, and they became bored.
"So, what exactly are they going to DO with our ship?" One sailor asked to another.
"I have no clue, but judging by all of that wiring," the penguin gestured to all of the twisted copper and towers now fixed onto the ship, "it's going to be cool."
Just then, a message came over the intercom. It was the Director!
"Okay, friends, sailors, officers. What you are about to participatein is a government secret. You are to share this with no one except your family and two of your closest friends, who will sign a document of secrecy as well. If any of your or your family/friends leak this to the media, you'll be in the The Hot Snow for ten years. Is that understood?"
The sailors saluted and responded. "SIR YES SIR!"
"Okay. As you can see, there are two towers on the Elfringe, one on the bow and one on the stern. Between them are two long wires suspended on each end. On the actual deck are smaller wires lining it, as well as on the windows and features of the vessel. You are to NOT touch those."
The sailors and officers nodded.
"Now, we think that by hacking to a recently discovered site and utilizing a special novelty programming language which we have codenamed 'Panthers with Sandwiches Computation Code', we will make this ship invisible to the unassisted eye, allowing us to sneak past enemies unseen and untedected!"
The penguins let out a long, low whistle.
HAI CAN HAS "TELEPORTATINSEQUENCE.SYS"? PLZ OPEN FILE "elfringe-wiringdata.log"?
- I HAS A "codesequencevariable on"
- IM IN YR LOOP
- UP VAR 1
- VAR 1-60
- I HAS A "seconds on"
- VAR 60
- INVISIBLE VAR
- IM OUTTA YR LOOP
PLZ OPEN FILE "TELEPORTATINSEQUENCE.SYS"? PLZ OPEN FILE "powertransformerON.dll"? KTHXBYE
Having loaded all the files in the strange program, the power generators were switched on and the Elfringe began glowing. The ship rattled and rolled, but it began to fade soon after. Green fog appeared in its place, but the shape of the hull was still engraved in the water, as if the boat was still there. Then, a bunch of strange mewing sounds were heard, and the boat reappeared. The PSA agents boarded the craft and saw a bunch of shocking things.
"Staring... staring... staring... staring... staring... staring..."
"Umm, can you say anything else?"
"Staring... staring... staring... staring... staring... staring..."
He came to another sailor whose flipper was leaning against the hull, or at least how it looked. The agent waved to the penguin, who smiled back, but didn't move. The sailor was sane, even calm, as if nothing happened. He grabbed the penguin, fearing the worst, and pulled. However, the penguin didn't budge.
"Why exactly are you pulling on me? Can't I move on my own?" The calm sailor tried to walk away, but he was pulled back by his flipper. Then, both of them gasped.
The sailor's flipper was fused into the steel hull of the ship!!
"DUDE, YOUR FLIPPER IS FUSED INTO THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!"
The fused sailor screamed back: "I KNOW, YOU SAID THAT IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE!"
"O_O O_O O_O O_O O_O"
"What? You did."
"Uh, no I didn't..."
"Well, I also heard a stange accent saying 'The fused sailor screamed back, colon', coming out of thin air..."
"ZOMG YOU'RE HEARING VOICES AND YOU'RE FUSED TO THE SHIP!"
"Actually, being fused to the ship may look painful, but I really can't feel a thing... I mean, I was freaked out at first, and I saw some pretty scary things out of the window over there, but I tried to remember what I learned in Card-Jitsu, and I felt better."
"Well... I'll try and un-fuse you."
"You do that. I'm going to have to get used to these voices in my head... I mean, who's the one with the accent, why is he narrating all non-dialougue?"
The Agent blinked, very confused and creeped out.
"AAH! HE'S TALKING TO ME AGAIN!"
"What did he say?"
"'The Agent blinked, very confused and creeped out.'"
"Exactly what I thought......."
The agent stepped away from the fused sailor (who had gained the ability to break the fourth wall)-
"I HEARD THAT!"
-and proceeded to the next sailor. This one was staring out the window. His once deep blue eyes had turned a pale blue-ish tent, and he was trembling like Penguin Micro. He turned away from the window and grabbed the agent.
"PROGRAMMER FORBID, MAY YOU NEVER SEE WHAT I SAW WHEN YOU FLIPPED THAT SWITCH!"
What did you see?
"Well, it was a rainbow-ish tunnel, like one in a time travelling portal. The ship was flying through it. From where I could see, there were pictures of these toothed, furry creatures and strange text like 'KTHXBYE' or 'IM IN YR BASEMENT' out the port side. They had these oddly comical positions..."
"That doesn't sound too bad."
"That wasn't the scariest part. Right before you came onboard, the tunnel had a blinding light up ahead. The very last picture was of a toothed furry creature... with an evil, terrifying stare. It wasn't a photograph, though... NO, IT WAS ALIVE. It's eyes, they followed me.............. I tell you, it could control your mind if you looked back. I had to avert my eyes!"
He walked to an officer, who had the sick emote being displayed.
"I feel so sick......."
The Agent gestured to the sick emote floating above the penguin.
"I can tell, you're using the signals provided by the player cards..."
"I feel so queasy..... need... to vomit....."
"There's a trash can down the hall."
"The trash can turned into a cheeseburger......"
"Oooohhhh.... look for yourself....."
The agent ran down the hall and into the bathroom. He was right! There, where a trash can should have been, was a big, juicy McDoodle's cheeseburger.
The other sailors and officers had other, similar experiences. The had nausea, hearing strange voices telling actions such as "the agent ran down the hall", repeating a phrase again and again, etc.
The agent ran off the ship and to the PSA officers, explaining everything everyone told them, then taking them inside to show them. The agents all agreed.
"Okay, to make sure this crew is safe, we'll lessen the experiment and only use crew members who want to go back. Instead of invisibility, let's do it just to radar."
The agent ran back inside and explained to the sailors what his superiors had said. The sailors agreed to do it again if they got their salaries tripled and recieved compensation for anything and everything that happens. they also wanted to have private planes, to which the PSA agreed.
About a month later, they started it again. There was only one tower on the Elfringe this time, and the wiring only extened from the top to the deck of the ship, instead of being wrapped around it. The code had been adjusted to lower the voltage, and they were ready to try it all over again.
So the code was entered and the switch fired. This time, the ship didn't fade, it vanished in a flash of orange light. POOF! After the voltage was turned off, the Elfringe reappeared in another flash of orange light, though a few hairballs were seeon on her bow.
The same agent went in, seeing the sailors he had befriended a month before. The one that said nothing but "staring" was the first to be talked to.
"Cheeseburger... cheeseburger... cheeseburger... cheeseburger... cheeseburger..."
The agent continued down the hall to where the fused penguin had been standing for a month, having his food and drink delivered to him.
"Well- WOULD YOU QUIT TELLING THEM I WAS STANDING THERE FOR A MONTH?! -this time, not much new happened, but I saw what looked like a blue port-o-potty floating by outside the window."
"Wait, you saw a blue plastic outhouse in the rainbow tunnel?"
"Yep. I think it said TAR on it, or at least that's all I could make out."
"Exactly what I thought. By the way, I'm beginning to like it here. If you could get me some sort of communicator, I could just stand here for life."
"Yes, it's actually very pleasent in the bowels of this ship."
"Are you sure?"
"Umm, okay... I'll alert your superiors."
The agent continued down the hall. He approached the terrified sailor who saw something watching him.
"O-okay... this o-on-one was w-w-w-way wo-wor-w-worse. So, I'm staring out the port side, and I see the silly pictures. For a sudden, split second, we appeared in reality again, but not at the beach we left from. A purple hole opened up, and we were back in the r-r-rai-rainnbow tunnel. The pictures reappeared and floated by for a bit. Then, the familiar e-evil staring creature r-reappered... -and I heard it hiss. It f-fl-floated along with the ship as it flew through the t-t-tunnel, and it looked l-like it was go-going to j-jump out of th-th-the frame! However, th-the the light at the end reappeared, and the creature j-jumped out. Fort-f-for-fortunately, it missed the ship. I know this because I that is the second window on the boat. The thing clawed against her side, and it flew off, screaming... it d-disappeared."
"Did it climb back on the ship?"
"N-no, the ship was heading out of the tunnel t-t-t-th-the-the moment it jumped, the c-c-creature missed and was flung back like when you get hit by a Ballistic B-biscuit obstacle."
The agent continued to the nauseous officer.
"Oooooohhhhh........... well, the -(gags)- oh -(gags)-, I heard clawing against the windows."
"No, ooooohhh, sir."
"You don't want to do this again, do you?"
"I agree. I'll make sure the Director hears your testimonies."
"Thank you, friend."
All of the sailors had aded this agent to his buddy list. He then exited and told the Director everything, also showing him the sailors. They were escorted off the ship (the one fused to the ship had the metal wall cut and carried with him), where they were bestowed high honors from the PSA for being so brave in scary situations.
Soon after, a creature now called Serious Cat has been sighted around CP since 2003, though kept hidden, and was reported to have joined the Str00del Force (by hypnotizing the Captain) in 2009. Professor Shroomsky declassified Serious Cat in 2009.
$ Fin $
Foldy then took the tapes, handed them to us, and left, not saying a word.
Foldy's image Gallery
Other than adding to Foldy's list of fears, the Philly Cheesesteak Test did the following:
- So the story goes, it brought Serious Cat into the USA.
- Promoted sailors to high ranks.
- Forged friendships.
- Created the first known rift to Serious Cat's realm.
- Added a major conspiracy.
- Gave early hints to the Masters of the Universe and the mythical Fourth Goozack, five years before Professor Shroomsky heard about it.
A few weeks after Foldy presented the tapes, Explorer reported that he had found records of what happened after the the Test. According to Explorer, Director Benny was furious at the near-exposure of the Bureau, and, interestingly, did not vent his anger on Mayor McFlapp, but on the PSA. After a live interview with Benny, Explorer found out that the Director had put a jinx on the PSA, though he would not tell what it was, except for the fact that the jinx came in the form of a person.
A week after the test, a young penguin, shunned from his hometown, came to the PSA seeking to become an agent. From then on, Rookie, for that is what he became known as, spent his entire career ruining, wrecking, and complicating almost every single PSA Mission that he participated in. Strangely, the Director never fired him despite his clumsiness, and when asked about it, answered, "That's between no one but me and the sky programmers." Unusually, the Director seemed rather nervous when answering the question. Since Roookie had admitted to failing the agent test not once, not twice, not even ten times, but on forty four seperate occasions, it's a wonder that his resume wasn't used as newspaper for puffles.
This bizarre turn of events led Explorer to believe that Director Benny retaliated at the PSA by arranging for Rookie to join the PSA and threatening the Director so as to make sure he was always there to cause trouble for the PSA. Many laugh the whole thing off as a coincidence, though.
Where are they now?
Another mystery concerning the Philly Cheesesteak Test is the whereabouts of the crew of the Elridge. A month after the Test was completed, all of the crew members involved vanished completely. While their records and families remained, the sailors themselves just ceased to exist!
Ask any creature that believes in the conspiracy, and they'll go into a passionate explanation of what exactly happened.
- Ask Explorer, and he'll tell you they really received invitations to work at Ampersand Publishing- the Bureau of Fiction -and that they have been working there to their heart's content to this day. Fourth Wall breakers would counter that no one in the company has actually seen any of the Sailors.
- An alternate theory is that they were imprisoned and locked away in a top secret penal colony to spend the rest of their lonely lives. This theory is highly possible, but again, no one has reported the Sailors.
- A third theory, and the most accepted by BOF employees, were that several sailors rejected the invitation and planned to recieve restitution for their suffering, which would include more tests to find the problem (without them in it, of course). Considering that this could possibly expose the Bureau, the Sailors went the way of Crazy Uncle Ivan... or, in other words, faced Benny at the peak of his anger.
- A fourth theory is that Serious Cat got ahold of them and they were eaten. Since said cat is both silent and evil, this is also possible.
- Then, there's the Sailors' families. They claim that their loved ones were given another assignment at sea and perished when their ship went down with a horrible storm.
- "I know nothing about it, none at all." -Professor Shroomsky
- "Yeah, I heard about this theory from a book at the local library. Then something weird happened a few days later. While I was working at the resturaunt I heard that a reservation for a customer who would come at the end of the shift would come, and that all staff had to wear dark glasses per the customer's request. That day was the most weireest day I ever had. I was sure I heard some strange noise that sounded like "meow" coming from the dining room. Did I mention I ended up having three lobsters clinging on to my left flipper for a week too because I was unable to see what I was doing because of those dark glasses?" -Tidalwave11
- That's weird...Doctor Hickory always told me never to interfere with big historical events, then why is he interfering?- Kwiksilver
- "Oh no...the Philly Cheeseteak Test. Oh how I despise that bally tern, that yellow puffball, and the whole place that surrounds it." -Alex12345a
- "What the heck are you talking about? A test for the best cheesesteak in Philly Cheesesteak? This makes no sense..." -LuXerra
From the Masters and Fourth Wall Breakers
- "I do not approve." --Director Benny
- "Those bloomin' sailors nearly exposed our bally operation! They deserved it, wot wot!" --Mayor McFlapp
- "LOL Thayt would hayve beyn so funny!
Dyrectyor Beynny would hayve beyn so-wayt a minute, he's censoryng my teyxt! CUYRSE YA DYRECTYOR BEYNNY!" --Fudd
The CNIC Dilemma
[[File:Declassified.PNG]|thumb|178px|Uh-oh...]] Main Article: CNIC Dilemma
The Federal Exchequer got involved by deplating CNIC's budget. This has angered many sailors, civillians, and, err, everyone.
- This is a parody of the Philadelphia Experiment, a mythical government conspiracy which, by lack of witnesses and evidence, was ruled as completely false.
- Dedicated to Lovebirds, who was a major LOL-Cats fan.
- It does not have anything to do with the city of Philly Cheesesteak.