| Penguins: A Threat to Human Society? | |
 Induces instant ZOMG-ROTFL. | |
| Author | Isaiah Paul Freeley and Seamore Buttes |
|---|---|
| Cover artist | TurtleShroom Productions |
| Country | An exotic, mystical land |
| Language | English |
| Genre | Comedy, Conspiracy |
| Publisher | EPF Fundraising |
| Published | Washed up on Isle Royale, |
| Media type | Paperback |
In April 2009, a strange book was found on the shores of Isle Royale, entitled Penguins; A threat to Human society?. It is currently being investigated by the PSA, Geek Squad, EPF, and The Shirrifs. It is completely and very smart, containing words penguins didn't even know. But a real page turner, as everyone knows this is not true. In fact, the humans themselves are said to laugh at this publication. They say it is for fun.
The book is sold by the EPF for seven coins each, and is used for fundraising purposes for the government. It is currently a bestseller.
The Text[]
Ch 1: Introduction[]
Long ago Penguins and Humans fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with trillions captured, humans did the thinkable in a last desperate act - humans denied their enemy victory. As remaining human forces fell back to earth, Humans razed all worlds with orbital bombardment. Humans won the P-Day Invasion only to fight a losing battle against overwhelming odds. Only one inhabitable planet remains for humans - Earth, which the penguins now have a foothold on. We are now in a corner some say we put ourselves in.
Ch 2: Penguins[]
They are an evil race with no sense of mercy. They have a cold collective thought and function somewhat like a hive mind. All that we know of them is that they destroy everything encountered. In the words of the Lord Peng, the penguin's leader, "We have no beginning we have no end we are infinite. Before us you are nothing. We are the end of everything."
Nobody knows exactly where the penguins came from, but leading scientists have come to the conclusion that they come from somewhere extra galactic.
Ch 3: What we must do[]
It is now that we as humans must stand and be strong. Long is the hour that man fights for peace. We have seen it, we have breathed it, and now we will live it! We all know that we have a right to life. It is a right to be free! Our fight is not for kingdom or country. It is not for spoils or financial gain. We will fight for that which matters most! Our existance! Let this day be the day that we yell out from the skys to Earth! No penguin should be given pity nor remorse. We must hit them swiftly, and bluntly before they hit us again! So stand with me now brothers as I say this!
Ch 4: The Penguin Invasion[]
Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, NERV, the Great Wall of China, Switzerland and France, as well as their home base of Argentina, and their civilian colony in Antarctica, which is used to help raise their numbers here on Earth.
They have also taken over by force: Germany where they were the true power behind WWII, as well as the heads of the Axis; South Africa as the driving force behind apartheid; France where they introduced that fiendish instrument of torture, the bicycle; and Haiti where they like to take holidays in the sun. The only thing holding back this invasion is the Canadian Polar Bear Special Forces, but all mankind must unite in order to defeat the penguin armies.
Ch 5: The Penguin Spyware of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!![]
In their constant attempt to destroy all humanity and rule the earth, penguins have developed special mind control spyware, designed to control your mind, in case you haven't figured that out. They would place this spyware into regular stores, and when someone bought it, it would be activated and the person would soon become yet another penguin minion. Spyware includes stuffed animals, the internet game Club Penguin, various movies (March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Surf's Up), and sardines. You must be careful with anything that seems related with penguins in any way, shape, or form, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S CUDDLY! It is vitally important not to get, for example, a cuddly toy penguin with matching t-shirt or you will get Pengitis. Pengitis is a very deadly disease, if you have it you will know by the immediate loss of YOUR FACE.
Ch 6: Penguin Sympathysts[]
Unfortunately many human beings, especially children, have been attracted by the cute and cuddly image of penguins that is promoted by the evil international Penguin Conspiracy. Such misguided humans are called penguins sympathists. They can be readily identified by holding up a toy penguin or a photo of a baby penguin, to which they will repond with, "Ohhh, isn't it cute!!!" Then people should respond by saying "AHHHHHH!!!! Run for you lives!!! Send the Penguin-lover to gaol!!!" These people can usually be persuaded of their errors with a short course of torture, but in some cases organisations can also become penguin sympathistic, and these are more difficult to reform. Well known penguin sympathists include: JO MOMMA!!!
Ch 7: History of Penguins[]
Penguins are an ancient race whose origins are mostly unknown, but it is speculated that they were brought into existence after an icberg had to use the lavatory, he shocked his waste, and penguins came into existence, like Frankenstein. In the words of Lord guin "We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten we will endure. No one knows why they are doing this but it is speculated this cycle has been going on longer than we can fathom. We can never comprehend Human goals or motives, so we will eradicate them."
Needs more text.
Trivia[]
- The book was laughed off as a "far-fetched upstart that gets dumb, dumb, and dumber as you flip the pages."
- According to Bill Gates, 99.99% of ALL humans laugh at this thing.
- It was co-authored by two humans named Isaiah Paul Freeley and Seamore Buttes.
- This book is a best seller in Antarctica. #1 reason for purchasing: used for fireplaces and ovens.
- This book as originally slated for a continental ban, but after the EPF read it, they decided to sell it.
- Whoot Smackler Whoot suggested burning the books like he did when he was younger.
- Penguinitis does exist, but it is NOT like the book's description. It gives you a love of penguins.
- Humans say it is for fun.
- Jervis Tech never laughed at it, hence he is a human.
- This is the funniest book in Antarctica, in the Human world books are way funnier than this.
Human Opinions[]
| “ | This is even worse than waiting for 69 hours at the bee infested park | ” |
| “ | HEY! I found some kindlen for our fireplace! | ” |
| “ | I recently ran a survey on my website. 99.99% of all people surveyed said this "was the dumbest waste of paper ever published". | ” |
| “ | This was worse than when people used my song as a prank. | ” |
| “ | w3lL, @ le3ASt | hAve s0M3thING 2 bL0W mY n0z3 wif. | ” |
| “ | Highly illogical. Like saying Windows is superior to Macin-(gets knocked out by random penguin) | ” |
— Amac
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| “ | This is worse than Vogon poetry. | ” |
Creature Opinions[]
Surely you all have SOMETHING to say about this!
| “ | ZOMG! This is the funniest comedy that's not comedy I ever read! TERNS will rule the the world! MWAHAHA! | ” |
— ZapWire
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| “ | Fail, just fail. | ” |
— Corai
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Weirdology[]
| “ | eV3ryTH|ng |N t3h B@@K iz tru3. s3nd 12 E-Z p4m3NTS of 80 p3bbL3z & U w|Ll g3T t3H F4CTZ. | ” |
— Bureaucrats of Hallowed Sect of Our Lord, the Honorable Ernie
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