Club Penguin Fan Universe
Parrzer Funkshun
They're mechanically inclined Uberfuzzies. What did you expect?
Vital statistics
Title Number 1 Template Experts in Antarctica
Gender Male (theri female counterparts are the Streeng Funkshuns)
Race Uberfuzzy variant
Faction Bureau of Fiction, Clubb Phengin Weekee (not so much anymore)
Health Excellent, both mentally and physically.
Level {{#ifexpr: {{level|}} => 1000 | AWESOMENESS | 750}}
Status Managing templatez and other devices
Location Clubb Phengin Weekee, Bureau of Fiction

Parrzer Funkshuns, commonly called Parrzers, are a variant of Uberfuzzy that is mechanically inclined. Parrzers specialize in creating and operating medium-sized devices. Parrzers are also obsessive-compulsive and constantly feel a strong urge to build, fix, or operate a machine, even in their sleep! They are commonly hired to run complexes of machines like those found at the Bureau of Fiction and Clubb Phengin Weekee.


Parrzer Funkshuns aren't really a different species of Uberfuzzy, just another variant. They are exactly like Uberfuzzies, but mechanically inclined.

The Parrzer Funkshun movement began in the Clubb Phengin Weekee when some Uberfuzzies decided they had had it with the unpredictable rollercoaster of blocking, maintenance, and putting up with TSP's drama. They snuck out of the Weekee at night and vowed that they would instead settle for maintaining the many templatez of the whiteboard complex, a much easier and less unruly job. The Uberfuzzies decided to split up evenly into classes, each class doing a specific function within a template.

The next morning, the Uberfuzzies, now calling themselves Parrzer Funkshuns, appeared at the Weekee, ready for work. They had written on their backs, in brilliant white correction fluid, the names of their classes: #if, #ifeq, #iferror, #ifexpr, #ifexist, #expr, #switch, #time, #timel, and #rel2abs. Instead of doing normal maintenance, the Parrzers found templatez that were working incorrectly, fixed their syntax, and added some new features to make them work even better than before.

Unfortunately, after TSP resigned, users stopped utilizing the Parrzers in their templatez, causing the Weekee's popularity ratings to crash. Critics stated that the new templatez, which were allegedly faster and more compact, "looked horribly bland and disgustingly boring", and many Parrzers, feeling neglected, left the Weekee to find new jobs.

The Parrzers were saved by Explorer, who had been studying the history of Parrzer Funkshuns for a college project and had figured out how they were used. After he graduated from Penguin University, Explorer introduced Mayor McFlapp to the Parrzers, who demonstrated their mechanical abilities. The Mayor immediately hired the Parrzers to work in the Bureau of Fiction, as part of the Department of Machinery. They have worked there ever since.


Parrzer Funkshuns are amazingly adequate at building, fixing, and operating machines, especially input-output devices. Their skill even rivals that of Midas and Herb! Parrzers work at both the Bureau of Fiction and Clubb Phengin Weekee, though the Parrzer population is more concentrated at the Bureau. Parrzer Funkshuns are very loyal to whoever praises and/or respects their abilities, this being their main weakness.


Each class of Parrzer Funkshun can do a certain task. Here we have a list:

  • #if: These Funkshuns can tell whether a parameter has input or not. They use on/off sensors that detect the presence of data in a template's parameters.
  • #ifeq: These Funkshuns analyze and compare two the text of inputs using a portable weighing scale.
  • #iferror: These Funkshuns check for errors in templatez and flag them to be fixed.
  • #expr: These Funkshuns specialize in math and compute expressions.
  • #ifexpr: These Funkshuns also evaluate expressions, but they are given strict orders on what buttons to push in the templatez based on what their computations' results.
  • #ifexist: These Funkshuns have direct access to the BoF's database through a PDA, and check for the existence of any object they are given.
  • #time: These Funkshuns simply check the time. They all have watches that are precise to the exact time by two-millionths of a nanosecond.
  • #timel: These Funkshuns check the time for a given timezone (e.g., Universal Ternville Clock, Eastshield Counter Time, etc.). They have watches identical to the #time Funkshuns.
  • #switch: These Funkshuns carry around individual codebooks, waiting to receive a packet of data. Upon receiving the packet, they look in their codebooks to determine the corresponding message to send back. (E.g., should they receive the word "apples", their codebooks might tell them to send the word "food".) #switch Funkshuns are skilled with codes, and as a result, do very well in espionage.
  • #rel2abs: These Funkshuns also have direct access to the BoF's servers and use a PDA to scan through the file directories of the archives.


  • Parrzer Funkshuns are commonly summoned by specialized whistles. These whistles have dials on their sides so the user can set the whistle to whichever class of Parrzer they need.
  • Parrzer Funkshuns are incredibly hard to train. However, they can usually figure out what their employers want by themselves.
    • Explorer is one of the few creatures who is skilled in training Parrzer Funkshuns.
  • Parrzer Funkshuns are also great at computer programming.
  • The classes of Parrzer Funkshun with the most population are #switch and #if. This is because they are the most used.
  • Fred's favorite Parrzers are the #expr and #ifexpr classes, since they specialize in math.
  • A few classes of Parrzer Funkshun, like #ifexist, charge for their work. These Parrzer Funkshuns are called "expensive Funkshuns", and most employers try to limit the amount of expensive Funkshuns in their workforce.
  • Users of the Clubb Phengin Weekee believe that Parrzer Funkshuns slow down their templates instead of improving them. Hence, the Parrzers' mass exodus to the Bureau of Fiction.
  • Female Parrzer Funkshuns are called Streeng Funkshuns. They obsess over text.

See also[]

Parser Functions in real life. These things are darn useful!