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Khanzem, officially, The Khanzem's Third Reich, was a dictatorial regime that couped the High Penguin Confederacy under the leadership of Whoot Smackler Whoot. No one could ever figure out where the first two Reichs went!
Background[]
Khanzem came to being right after the camera was invented. We have a full history there. All authentic photos are in sepia tone.
Beginnings of the Naughtzee[]
The High Penguin Confederacy was a paradise for centuries. However, several Khanz Penguins, under the leadership of Whoot Smackler Whoot, started appealing to the commoner, screaming to the normal penguins that they were "superior to the Most High Noob-Faces", which was incorrect. Sadly, the penguins believed it, and secretly voted to allow Whoot to coup the HPC.
Coup![]
The coup, dubbed "Der Arktischen-Vogel-Suchanzeigen!" (official), the "The Antarctic-Bird Want It Now!" (translated), or simply "The Penguin's Want", was simple.
Whoot Smackler Whoot, being a short Khanz Penguin (sound familiar?), sneaked through the massive amounts of bodyguards (the HPs knew that the penguins were rioting) and threw a pie smack in the Arvedui's face. Smackler then put the pie tin in Arvedui's Most Trusted Advisor's flipper...
"WHO THREW THE PIE AT ME?!"
The stunned HPs (and the cheering crowd of normals) looked, and saw the Most Trusted Advisor, who just noticed the tin in his flipper.
He was hauled off by bodyguards to the HP's Polka Dungeon without mercy or a trial.
Smackler, according to plan, jumped up on the balcony where Arvedui's throne was sitting. Pretending to be a sympathizer (but not before winking to his followers), he continued:
"Arvedui, are you alright?"
The sobbing Arvedui looked up at Whoot.
"Oh, yeah. *sniff* I'm just down. Everyone hates me, the people are rioting... wait, aren't you a little young to have a mustache?"
One of Whoot's followers screamed.
"fU|-|r3Rzz! HE'S ON TO US!"
Smackler jumped down, but as planned, got his long trench-coat stuck on the railings. Also as planned, he let the bodyguards grab him. When he was picked up, he quickly got his flippers free and threw pies at the guards. Sending the signal to his followers, they quickly threw a trapdoor, where Arvedui and his chief executives were standing. They fell into a pit.
The plan worked perfectly.
Whoot seized the crown, and in front of the huge cheering crowd, declared himself ruler of the High Penguin Confederacy.
Military![]
Under the leadership of the "fU|-|r3Rzz!", as the citizens now called Smackler, he again appealed to the commoners, requesting them to join the In-Pastry Infantry, once again, in the name of "PWNing those Most High Noob-Faces".
 |
| Part of the USA series of articles. |
| History of Antarctica |
 |
| The Early Years |
Um Babbelonian Empire Penguin Empire Damelaw Mid High Penguin Confederacy Land of Lord Guin Late High Penguin Confederacy Khanzem & Grand Ol' Land Snowman Empire |
| A While Back |
Colonial Antarctica |
| Present Day |
Dorkugal Geek Empire Other Countries in Antarctica |
| Other Significant Former Countries |
Frozantium Empire |
| Future |
| Hypothetical Scenarios |
Dictatorship of the Darks Darktonian Empire |
He quickly mobilized the new pie-based military, and set out to expand the High Penguin Confederacy (now renamed Khanzem).
He hoisted a new flag (previously the Whoot family welcome mat) for the nation, and set out to PWN the other parts of the HPC (now Grand Ol' Land) still loyal to Arvedui, as well as the various unassociated penguins in Antarctica.
He named his army the "Naughtzee", and as Whoot put it, the name symbolized "the overthrow and rebellion of the HPC, since the High Penguins think we are naughty".
The Good Guys Diss the Naughtzee[]
However, the Good Guys, on what is now the Antarctic Peninsula, foolishly chose to not attack Whoot or the Naughtzee, brushing off the formidable Smackler as a "spastic little loudmouth with poor taste in facial hair".
The Co-Kings of the Grand Ol' Land (the real HPC), Willman Tabernaclemountain and Harold TrueGuy, persuaded the Good Guys not to pay attention to Whoot and minions.
Weeks later, Tinuviel, a female warrior captain, led the defence of Poleland. She was defeated, along with her brigades. Arvedui went into exile and assigned General Enserhoward to be Lord Protector (cheif of the military) of the Grand Ol' Land. Oh, and Momma Tabernacle was captured. Her son still refused to fight, even to save his momma. Not only was it from the Naughtzees but also from the Snowviet Union, a communist nation who used the rise Khanzem as an excuse to find a new nation
Most of the Grand Ol' Land (the overthrown HPC) was being overrun by Khanzem, and Staller could not hold back the Naughtzee. He sent a message to "The Good Guys" stating that they NEEDED to fight.
"Mister Tabernaclemountain makes it clear that in certain circumstances he would have violated his neutrality and that he would justify his action by The High Penguin Confederation’s necessity. It seems strange to me that Mister Tabernaclemountain does not see that this, if accepted, would mean that Antarctica’s necessity would become a moral code and that when this necessity became sufficiently great, other penguin’s rights were not to count… this same code is precisely why we have the disastrous succession of wars… shall it be a continental war?"
That's fancy High Penguin talk for
"GET YOUR LAZY BEHINDS OUT HERE AND FIGHT!!! IT'S OK TO BE NEUTRAL SOMETIMES BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! ANTARCTICA IS AT WAR!"
Treaty of Poleland[]
Poleland was being invaded from two sides. The aggressive Snowviets wanted land for their communist empire. The whole of Poleland would had been perfect. The two armies met at the capital of Poleland. A Khanzem soldier gave a Snowviet ambassador some High Penguin orange juice. The ambamssador drank it and requested for some more. At the back of the building some High Penguins were bringing orange juice, escorted by SS guards. Other HPs were heading back to the concentration camp.
The Snowviet leader Joshua Staller, had waited long enough.
"Where is your leader?" he asked.
Finally, Whoot Smackler Whoot entered the room. He sat on a chair reserved for him on the right. On the sides were the Naughtzee and Snowviet ambasadors. Joshua Staller stood on the other side.
"Lets talk then. It appears that you've invaded Poleland just as we were invading too" he said.
"So what? We were here first!" Whoot replied.
"Comrade Whoot Smackler Whoot, if you don't give up Poleland, we'll invade your entire empire for ourselves" Josua said.
Whoot knew that a war on two fronts was risky. The Snowviets would overun them. Whoot attempted to distract him with orange juice.
"Servent, bring Joshua some orange juice" Whoot ordered.
A soldier grabbed a bottle of orange juice, ran over to Staller with a cup and gave him some orange juice.
"What is this?" Joshua asked.
"Try it" Whoot replied.
Joshua took a sip. He paused for a moment. He then gulped the whole glass.
"What is this?" he asked.
"Austinworldz Organic Orange Juice from Concentation" Whoot replied. Whoot saw his chance.
"How about this: your Union will get Northeast Poleland. We'll get Southwest Poleland. Also, you'll recieve a lifetime supply of that orange juice if you don't get involved in the war. Deal?" he said.
"Deal!"
Joshua and Whoot signed a rewritten treaty.
Joshua signed a rewritten Treaty of Poleland.
Debated Councils[]
Everywhere across the Grand Ol' Land, penguins prepared for war. Whether they were High Penguins, Normal Penguins, or Naughtzee, the call to arms was heard across the land.
The Naughtzee prepared the "Angst vor meinem Flug Waffeln von Doom!", called the Fluffenwaffle by most, for an air raid on the Grand Ol' Land. Their plan was to bomb the area with pies and cakes, and other oversized dessAerts.
As Smackler put it:
The Most High Noob-Faces will have their cake and eat it too!
The infantry of the High Penguins moved out, ever cheerfully, singing, keeping the normal Penguins spirits up.
Whoot Smackler sent the Specials out to shoot the penguins down!
He thought the Infantry had fled from the dear old Western towns,
But he got a rude awakening with pies in the face,
When he met the 1st Battalion of the Border Brigade!
The Good Guys still wouldnt fight. The High Penguin Infantry set up bases all across the Grand Ol' Land. The Naughtzee army moved into Poleland, where Momma Tabernaclemountain lived on a private estate.
Secretly, the HPs hoped that the possible Naughtzee capture of Willman Tabernacle's momma would prevoke the Good Guys to fight.
On Mid Year's day, a brave, young, High Penguin named Triskelle gave a speech to all penguins. He lived in the city of Fighttool at the time, studying at the University College of Magic, which was conquered by the Naughtzee.
A Collector gave us this relic: Whoot Brand Orange Juice! In FANCY BOTTLES! Click to enlarge!
The Naughtzee put the High Penguins into Concentrate camps, where they were forced to make orange juice FROM CONCENTRATE! This OJ was given to the Naughtzee as drinks. Historical accounts say "it was the best orange juice ever". The HP infantry freed his camp, and he quickly gained ranks in the army.
I am come of the hoardes of the penguins, penguins whose emotes bear none but woe,
That have no treasure but hope,
No riches laid but memory
Of a long-dead Confederacy.
I am of the blood of the poor:
The chicks with whom I have played,
the men and women with whom I have eaten
Have not had masters over them, but now forced to make citrus,
And, though gentle, have served churls;
Thei flippers that have touched mine,
the dear flippers whose touch is familiar to me,
Have been forced to making Juice,
Juice that goes down the throat of the oppressor.
I am flesh of the flesh of these lowly, I am bone of their bone,
I that have never submitted; never shall I make juice!
I that have a will greater than the wills of Naughtzee pie-army,
I that have vision and prophecy and the gift of fiery speech,
And because I am of the people, I understand the people,
I am sorrowful with their sorrow, I am hungry with their desire:
For my mind burns with the hatred of the spaz, the spaz who threw custard at me,
The spaz who capture my people and break their honor and smash their dignity,
Ive seen the shame brought at the Concentrate camps,
Shame of which no penguin should bare.
How dare Smackler, how dare he force us to labor away, making juice for his men!
Serving citrus to tyranny, oranges to opponents!Their shame is my shame, and I have reddened for it,
Reddened for that they have served, they who were once free,
Reddened for that they must be worked,
And should they collapse be denied a drink of water,
Reddened for that they have walked in fear, in shame, so downtrodden!
I'd rather have borne stripes on my body
rather than this shame of my people.
And now I speak, fellow penguins, being full of vision;
I speak to the penguins,
and I speak in my people's name to the Naughtzee, who at my people's will, drink citrus delights.
And despite their chains,
They are greater than those that hold them, and stronger and purer,
That they have but need of courage.
And I say to Whoot, who thre pie at me: Beware,
Beware of the thing that is coming,
beware of the risen people,
Who shall take what ye hath dished upon us.
Did ye think to conquer these penguisn,
Or that Dessert is stronger than life and than penguin's desire to be free?
So I stand before my people, and reach to those who slave to make orange juice!
But I must warn ye, oh wretched Naughtzee,
That your spastic little hero,
who don a coat and tacky mustache,
Shan't hold a candle to the will of my people.
As ye storm across our land, throwing pies of sugary agony,
Shackle my people, haul them for your citrus,
Ye that have bullied and bribed,
tyrants, hypocrites, liars!
I shout to you today, for all that is Good in my eyes,
The the penguins will prevail! For they will rise up to ye, oh evil Naughtzee,
The broom closet is beckoning,
For it shall be your home soon.
I look straight at you, Whoot Smackler Whoot,
for you have been tyranical to my people,
You as the abusive minoirty, the ones with eyes as square,
The People are stronger, the People are better, and should we bear our arms and march to meet ye,
You shall see that our Pies are greater,
Our Cake thicker,
Our Will stronger.I ask you now, penguins of Justice,
Shall you sit and be conquered by a tiny penguin with a mustache,
Or will you show the will of your ancestors, show the will that you have within?
I ask you now, fellow penguins far and near,
Pick up your pastries, for we have Honor to free, Juice to liberate, A FUTURE TO SEE!
After the speech, more penguins joined the militia.
William Tabernaclemountain was strongly reconsidering his neutrality.
Pie war was around the corner.
"The Really Big Thing" (AKA The Bombing of Bead Seaport)[]
For weeks to come, the Naughtzee continued to advance, paying no heed to Triskelle and friends' pleas to go to war. That all changed however, when "The Really Big Thing" happened.
It all started when Whoot Smackler was in the sandbox out back (where he conducted battle plans), drinking some HP Orange Juice. A high ranking official approached him and explained all about the HP liberation of some of the camps...
"Mah fU|-|r3Rzz, it has come to my attention that Triskel-"
Whoot spat out his orange juice.
"Did... did you say... Tr-Triskelle?"
"Yes, my leige."
"Oh, I hate that guy. He and his stupid parades... What's he up to?"
Smackler drank some more orange juice.
"He set free some of the Concentrate camps near Fighttool."
Again, organge juice flew all over the officer.
"Minion of the most awesome dictator say what?"
"Mah fU|-|r3Rzz, that Triskelle is a serious fighter. What should we do?"
"Quick, to the WhootMobile! Dun dun dun dun dun dun duuuuun!!"
Smackler stood up and brushed himself off, having told all of the plans. He and some other Naughtzee Advisors climbed in to the WhootMobile and headed down to a military base. He quickly addressed the officers there.
The plan was simple: head to the coastal town of Bead Seaport and bomb TrueGuy's mother... then Gilraen Waterdouse... Triskelle's Momma! ...WITH LARGE, CHOCOLATE CAKES! She's cocoa intolerant!
Whoot waved to the Fluffenwaffle brigade as they flew off. Quickly passing over the Khanzem borders into the Grand Ol' Land, the creatures at Bead Seaport were none the wiser. Local HP militias picked up a signal on their detectors, but the dismissed it as some victorious HP items coming back in. They were so wrong. Quickly looking up to see the Naughtzee airplanes, they ran to town screaming "THE NAUGHTZEE ARE COMING, THE NAUGHTZEE ARE COMING!".
Air raid sirens blared as the Fluffenwaffle dropped pastries the size of WEDDING CAKES all over the place. After bombing the military targets, the Naughtzee decided to bomb the statue of Chief Triskelle, the City Hall, and the suberban areas. Having covered much of Bead Harbor in sticky chocolate, they caked (ha ha) Mrs. TrueGuy's home as well.
In a stroke of serious evil, they saw Triskelle's mother waddling down a path. With one flip of a switch, they dropped a vanilla wedding cake right on her head.
They headed back to home base, their mission successful.
When Triskelle found out... he said:
To Whoot, if you are expecting a dramatic speech, I will not give one to you, because I know that you will need a genius to translate it.
I can't beleive you would go that far, as to harm a defenceless old woman. How low of you.
I say unto you that have buillied and bribed, harmed and hurt, beware. Beware of the thing that is coming. Beware of the common penguin.
Did you think that law is stronger than light? Or that being forced to make orange juice would break their spirits? You were wrong. Foolish of you. Very foolish.
At nightfall, Triskelle organised a resistance group to complete the final stage of a great plan he was working on. A tunnel had been dug under the largest concentrate camp ever, the Sehr gut maximale Sicherheit Lager. It was located near Bead Seaport. Whoot Smackler Whoot and some of his Naughtzee forces were staying at the camp, putting up no guards because of the extensive barbed wire and electric fences. The camp had the largest number of High Penguin captives in Antarctica.
The resistance split into seven groups. Six went to the cell blocks and freed the prisoners, while the seventh group went with Triskelle to the Sleeping Quarters. They tied up the sleeping soldiers while Triskelle dealt with Whoot. The fU|-|r3Rzz was already awake, and struck up a swordfight with the young resistance leader. Whoot made a sneaky move and tripped Triskelle, brandishing his cutlass close to his neck.
Luckily, Triskelle was saved by a weird blue penguin brandishing a razor. Holding the razor to Whoot's moustache, the penguin forced him to jump into a nearby garbage truck. Whoot and his soldiers were imprisoned in there. The freed High Penguins happily blew up the juice factories. Meanwhile, Whoot had grabbed the razor and started freeing his army.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!
Places[]
Villains[]
- Whoot Smackler Whoot and the Naughtzee.
Resources[]
See also[]
- Willman Tabernaclemountain
- Harold TrueGuy
- Good Guys
- Arvedui
- Most Trusted Advisor
- Joshua Staller