Club Penguin Fan Universe

This tale has been told! It's done!
I have a whooping cough, and the only prescription is MORE BALALAIKA!
Vital statistics
Participants Furry Flats
Date April 26, 2009
Location Recording Studio, Club Penguin

"It Needs More Balalaika!" is the title given to a publically leaked mishap involving a strange GourdZoid instrument and a weird demand to use it as often as possible.

The Event[]

Expand please! It needs more puffle character editing, Explorer and Fred quotes, etc.!


Up in Ternville, inside the Narrator's Office, Mayor McFlapp and Author Billybob were out of ideas.

"Sitar," suggested the Mayor.

"No," replied Billybob, "too exotic."

"Shamisen," tried the Mayor.

"That might appeal to Sensei," said Billybob thoughtfully, "but I don't think--"

"Timpani?" asked the Mayor.

"Nah. How is that even a gui--"








"WHAT?!?" cried Billybob. "That's not even a techincal instrument!"

"Oh, it's hopeless, wot!" sighed the now-exasperated Mayor. "What instrument'll we use as the bally parody, eh?"

"I suppose we'll have to keep trying..." muttered Billybob.

"If you hadn't been so narrow-minded and let me use the Lithium Improbability Drive we'd have already solved this bally problem, wot..." mumbled the Mayor under his breath.

Billybob looked up sharply.

"Did you just call me narrow-minded?"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too, you old ternhead! You can't lie to me -- OW!!"

A boot came out of nowhere and whacked Billybob across the flipper. If he hadn't started yelling and causing a big ruckus, Billybob would have noticed that Mayor McFlapp was fiendishly tucking in a small PDA into the corner of his top hat...... oops.

"Oh, whackaday!" muttered the Mayor. "You had to jolly well type that, wot!"

"Aha! You're going to pay for this, you ampersanded featherbag!" yelled Billybob, brandishing a coat hanger. The enraged penguin charged at Mayor McFlapp, who ducked, tripped over a coffee table, and landed KERSPLAT! on the Narration Organ's keyboard. The computer screen displayed a jumble of letters, then flashed green.

"Hey!" said Billybob, noticing the word Mayor McFlapp had accidentally typed into his Organ. "I thought we agreed on not using the balalaika!"

"It was a bally accident, silly!" fumed the Mayor as he uncrinkled his ruined top hat. "You charged at me, and I tripped and fell and typed that nonsense in! Besides, you've ruined my bally best hat, wot wot!"

"It's too late, I suppose," said Billybob, watching the screen flash to show an image of a strange-looking guitar-shaped instrument. "The story title has already been accepted by the system. You better get to work."

The Story[]

Our story begins at the Furry Flats music studio.

Explorer arrived at the band early, but had stubbed his foot on a boulder. On top of that, he had a terrible stomachache from eating WAY too many shellfish and crustaceans at lunch.

As he took some stomach medicine, he realized he should sing a song about boulders and crustaceans at today's band practice.

An important music critic was coming, and they needed a brand new song to play.

Digging through the trashcan, he found a tattered sheet of music for a song called "Rock Lobster". He immediantly knew this was the song the Furry Flats should play.

Explorer called his friends (and Penghis Khan) and requested various instruments. However, since Explorer's guitar was shattered at the band's last concert (The Kernel, who hates rock music, attended), he had to turn to the only creature who could demand a quality guitar by force.

"So, 'your Imperial PWNsomeness'," Explorer stated, "we need you to get a good guitar for our band practice. Bring your gong."

"Penghis Khan will get the most PWNsome guitar he knows of! It was a gift from a magical pumpkin ambassador!"

"Uh, Penghis Khan, I kind of think the Jacko didn't give you a... um, guitar."

Penghis Khan perked up.

"Are you insulting Penghis Khan?"

Explorer shook his head and backed away, fearing the Imperial Mullet. He motioned for the tiny autocrat to go and get this so-called "guitar".

As he left, Explorer turned to the audience and spoke through the Fourth Wall.

"I have a TERRIBLE feeling that Mayor McFlapp is going to embarass me with this story."

By the time Penghis Khan returned, everyone had successfully arrived and were ready to start playing Rock Lobster.


Penghis Khan held out a strange, triangle shaped instrument.

"WHAT... IS... THAT?!" Scooter shouted, scooting back at the item.

"That," Fred stated, adjusting his glasses, "is a Balalakai. It's a foreign stringed instrument common in GourdZoid and neighboring Trans-Antarctic mountain homes. The miners of the reigion love it."

"'s not a guitar... is it?"


"Well, we better get rid of it befor-"

"HE'S HERE!" Clyde screamed.

"Oh, that's SUCH a cliche!" Explorer moaned.

The critic walked in. He was wearing a cheap suit and a monacle, topped with what looked like a ball cap that said "I HEART BLUE OYSTERS".

"Hello. I am THE Bruce Juan, world famous music reviewer and critic."

Fred raised his flipper. "I've never heard of you."

Bruce was startled. "That makes you a nobody. I am WORLD famous. I reviewed the Penguin Band, Cadence, Tapestrea, and even Pizza.

"Well, let me call up Jason Steed and ask."

"NO NEED FOR THAT! Show me your music."


The band picked up their instruments and began playing Rock Lobster. About half way through, the band had to stop in annoyance because Penghis Khan was playing the balalakia WAY too loud. The track was ruined!

"Nice job!" Bruce Juan exclaimed. The band was flabbergasted; the track was ruined because of the loud Balalakia! They never saw what was coming next.

"I would suggest adding more Balalaika into the track. Tell the tiny guy to explore the studio area and find a place to really use the acoustics for the balalaika."

Not wanting to get a bad review, they allowed Penghis Khan to do so; they restarted Rock Lobster. As they continued to play rather well, Penghis Khan was rnning all over the place and playing the balalaika, trying to find a good spot where everyone (especially the Bruce Juan) could see and hear him and his ego. However, when he tripped over a microphone and toppled the electric keyboard, everyone was annoyed. Having two good tracks wasted, Bruce Juan asked Penghis Khan to tone down his spasticness for the sake of his bandmates, but not to do it too much, because he really wanted the balaika in the track.

Penghis Khan hesitantly decided to obey and not use his Fish, but as they restarted the track, Penghis Khan was too close to a microphone, and the balaika was five times as loud as before, squared. They had to stop the track so that Danny could go get some "Azarath" migrane medication.

Bruce Juan refused to make Penghis Khan stop, insisting on keeping the balalaika highly noticable on the track. He told everyone that they had never used a balaika before, and he really liked it and would give a positive review.

In addition, he told them all: "I have a whooping cough, and the only prescription is MORE BALALAIKA!" The Flats finally gave in and let Penghis Khan have the stage to play his balalaika. In the end, they managed to record a decent track and got a 4.919 star review out of five.

To add insult to injury... "Rock Lobster Balalaika Edition" later became #2 on the best seller charts. The Bruce Juan knew what he was doing after all!


Add more!

The Furry Flats, annoyed and embarassed by the whole ordeal, decided to never tell the story of their balalaika remix of Rock Lobster. Sadly, Ego Khan couldn't hide it, and he told the WHOLE story to his nation at a speech. It hit the tabloids, and "BAM!", a new legend was born. People started screaming "NEEDS MORE BALALAIKA" at random concerts for humor, and there was no turning back.

On the Fourth Wall side, the story went down in the Bureau's history as the most ridiculous accidental anecdote ever written. Mayor McFlapp and Billybob are a little embarrassed.


The balalaika incident left an eternal memory in music; it was a fad that remained popular for a long time. Immortalized in several forms, the incident appeared in pretty much everything.

  • In Penghis Khan's toy business, a Balalakia Khan doll was produced. When wound up, the toy would start moving and strum its little balalaika while the Rock Lobster song played.

  • The Balalaika became the National Musical Instrument of Pengolia.

  • ZapWire started attending FF concerts, though he thought one of the Cow Kreator's bells should have been used instead.

  • An application for the IcePhone was developed, if you loaded the program and shook the phone, balalaika sounds would come out.

  • Several people decided to take balalaika lessons.

  • GourdZoid's income increased greatly due to balalaika sales.

  • Penghis Khan's ego tripled in stature... (oh no.)

The weirdest part of this, however, was that the Bruce Juan was actually the studio's janitor! The real critic, so it turned out, injured himself in a Sled Racing accident and never arrived. When later asked, he said he HATED balalaikas.

Concerning the above statement, Mayor McFlapp and Billybob had no comment.

See Also[]

External Links[]

  • This tale is a parody of a Saturday Nights' Live episode called "Needs More Cowbell" which was explained by ZapWire. Technically, this was inspired by him, and is thus a tribute.
  • Hippenproxy (what is this doing here?)