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| The (almost) Great Snowzerland War | |
|---|---|
 "My name is Inigo Montoya. You deleted my father. Prepare to die." | |
| Vital statistics | |
| Participants | Swiss Ninja Hochstadt, several other penguins |
| Date | Started on August 21st, 2009 |
| Location | The Imperial Empire of Snowzerland |
The (almost) Great Snowzerland War was a event that Swiss Ninja planned to use to start a war, but went terribly wrong.
The event[]
Prologue[]
One August 21st, 2009, Director Benny suddenly became ill and deciding that he needed some rest, he took a break from working at the Bureau of Fiction.
Of course, he did not approve, but was afraid that Mandy Mortis would get angry at him for making himself well again.
Suddenly, a light lit up on his laptop, and Director Benny saw that he had a visitor.
Benny sighed, as he thought he knew who it was.
The door opened, and in came Mayor McFlapp.
"Heyyyy!! How's the bally sickie, wot wot?"
and with that, Mayor McFlapp pinched Director Benny, who tried to yell but did not feel good enough to do it.
"I brought you a bally special present."
"What is it??" asked Director Benny cautiously.
"Guess." said McFlapp and opened up the package.
"A book? *(^%^&^*(^*(^*(%!" yelled Director Benny in surprise.
"That's right. And this is a bally special book. It was the book my bloomin' father used to read to me when I was sick, and today, I'm gonna turn it into a plot for you, wot wot?" Mayor Mcflapp told Benny quietly.
"Does it have any action in it?" asked Director Benny thoughtfully, and to this Mayor McFlapp replied
"Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, magic, true hate...."
"MAGIC? I DO NOT APPROOVE!"
"I WAS BALLY EXAGGERATIN' FOR THE SAKE OF MAKING IT SOUND BETTER, WOT WOT?" replied the exasperated Mayor.
"Doesn't sound too bad." said Director Benny and added with a yawn, "I'll try to stay awake."
Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your bloomin' vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The (almost) Great Snowzerland War, by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One.
Chapter I[]
Blubbercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Snowzerland.
Her favorite pastimes were "riding" her puffle and annoying the farm boy that worked there.
His name was Lestly, but she never called him that.
Nothing gave Blubbercup as much pleasure as ordering Lestly around.
"Slave, polish my puffle's fur. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."
"As you wish." was it's reply.
"As you wish" was all it ever said to her.
That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, "Fine, slavedriver. :p"
Of course, :p was very impolite to say, especially to your master, so Blubbercup sent him off to work in a factory, but Lestly didn't reach his destination.
His plane was attacked by the dread pirate Jack, who never left captives alive.
When Buttercup got the news that Lestly was murdered,--
"Murdered by pirates. I approve!"
said Director Benny excitedly, and in came Mandy Mortis and shaved him bald.
She danced for joy and lept into the air and did an unladylike bellyflop on the snow.
"I will never hate again after owning such an annoying farm boy!"
Blubbercup declared.
Five years later, the main square of Geneva was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great King Swiss Ninja's bride-to-be.
The crowd cheered in excitement as the emperor waddled out, wearing the heavy golden crown and sweating under it's weight.
"My penguins, a month from now, pant, our country, pant will have it's, pant 3rd anniversary. On that sundown, pant, AUSTIN TAKE THIS HEAVY ORNAMENTAL CROWN OFF ME WILL YA?!"
Austin arrived quickly and pulled off the heavy crown.
"I shall marry a penguin who was once a commoner like yourselves." Swiss Ninja continued, "But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"
Out stepped a pretty blue penguin with a crown.
"I...can't...hold...on...much...LONGER!"
groaned Austin, and with that he dropped the crown.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the crowd, and the 50-pound crown fell onto the bride-to-be, crushing her.
'So much for that," said Swiss Ninja, "I guess I will randomly choose one."
Swiss Ninja moved his flipper around with his eyes shut, and yelling "Her!", he stopped and opened his eyes.
"But sir, you can't marry Mr. Barson!" yelled a man in the crowd, and everyone laughed.
"QUIET!" yelled Swiss Ninja, and spun again.
When he stopped, he was pointing at Blubbercup.
Everyone gasped, and the servants quickly took of the dead princess's crown and put it on Blubbercup's head.
Blubbercup groaned.
She hated Swiss Ninja and Mondays.
'This is the worst day EVER!" growled Blubbercup as she was lead into the castle.
Chapter II[]
Buttercup's emptiness consumed her.
Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
Despite Swiss Ninja's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride on the royal puffle.
However, one day she met three penguins sitting by the road.
"A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" said the shortest.
"There is nothing nearby...not for miles. Plus, you can't be cirucs performers. Swiss Ninja's afraid of clowns." said Princess Blubbercup.
"Well is there any houses nearby where we can rest?"
"No. Swiss outlawed circuses anyway. They haven't found a better hobby yet. Why?" said Blubbercup, who was getting very annoyed.
"Then there will be no one to hear you scream!" said the short penguin, and before Blubbercup could get away, a huge penguin grabbed her and tied her up.
Soon the kidnappers arrived at a boat, and through their conversations, Blubbercup figured out their names.
The short one was Zizzini, the sword-bearing one was Ingo, and the giant penguin was Fezzik.
"What is that you're ripping?" asked Ingo.
"It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of the USA." replied Zizzini.
"Who's USA?" wondered Fezzik aloud.
"The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Snowzerland." and motioning to the puffle, he commanded the "stinking furball" to "GO!"
Boarding the ship, Zizzini continued
"Once the puffle reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Antarcticians have abducted his love.
When he finds her body dead on the USA frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed."
"Wait, you never said anything about killing anyone." said Fezzik loudly.
"I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition."
"I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent penguin."
"Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips?
YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC ICE MASS!"
"I agree with Fezzik." spoke Ingo for the first time, and Zizzini spun around and glared at him, smoke coming out of his "ears".
OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN.
I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERINGLY INSANE, YOU COULDN'T BUY CREAM SODA!
AND YOU!" Zizzini turned around and looked at Fezzik,
"FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS!
DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE,
"Where's that?" asked Fezzik, and Zizzini looked at him, confused.
"That Zizzini, he can fuss." Ingo mumbled.
"Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us." mumbled Fezzik.
"Probably he means no harm."
"He's really very short on... charm."
Ingo looked at Fezzik in surprise.
"You have a great gift for rhyme."
"Yes, yes, some of the time."
"Enough of that!" Zizzini yelled loudly.
"Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?"
"If there are, we all be dead!"
"No more rhymes now, I mean it!"
"Anybody want a peanut?"
"DYEEAAHHHHHH!!" screamed Zizzini while running around and banging his head on the sides and mast until he fainted from exhaustion.
Chapter III[]
The small vessel sailed on into the night, with no land in sight.
Blubbercup was not able to sleep, even though all was quiet on the westre-I mean southern front.
"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn." said Zizzini, and turning to Ingo said, "Why are you doing that?"
Ingo kept looking back, and looked strangely worried.
"Are you sure nobody's follow us?"
"That would be inconceivable." replied Zizzini.
"Despite what you think, you will be caught." The two kidnappers turned around in surprise to see Blubbercup continuing, "And when you are, the prince will see you all hanged."
Who, Prince Griante? He's a lazy bum. Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own." Zizzini spun around and caught Ingo in the act of looking behind. "Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over."
"You are sure nobody's follow us?" asked Ingo.
"As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Snowzerland knows what we've done, and no one in the USA could've gotten here so fast." Zizzini paused for a moment. "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"
"No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there."
"WHAT?!? Oh, probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel-infested waters."
Suddenly princess Blubbercup jumped overboard and started swimming towards the boat off in the distance.
"Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!"
"I don't swim." said Ingo.
"I only puffle paddle." said Fezzik, who got out a boat paddle and whacked a nearby puffle with it, flinging it into the water.
"DYEEAAHHHHHH!! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!"
Suddenly a loud wail rose from the depths the the ocean, and a hideous, snake-like head arose from the water, it's bulbous sightless eyes glowing in the dark, and it's rotten teeth smelling like a Zombie Puffle.
"No, it smells like Darktan II's dinner." declared Fezzik, who turned to the screen that you are now using to read this story and made a kind but stupid face.
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS?" asked Zizzini, "THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON PENGUIN FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS."
"She doesn't get eaten by the bally eels at this time, wot wot?" said the good mayor.
"WHAT?!? *&%&$#^%#^($%#^%$^&#*$%!"
"The bloomin' eel doesn't get her yet, wot wot? Now I'm explaining to you because you look bally nervous."
"I WASN'T NERVOUS YOU NIDWIT! %%^&%$*^%^&%*%#*^&*%%#!"
"Because we can bally stop now if you want."
"No, you could read a little bit more, if you want. I want to see the torture!"
Mandy Mortis came in and shaved Benny bald AGAIN, who had just begun to feel his fur growing back.
"Do you know what that bally sound is, Highness? Those are the flippin' shrieking eels, wot wot?"
"We passed that, Mcflapp! You read that already!%&(&%&^(^%*$%$^*$%%$%$%$$!"
"Oh, oh my bloomin' goodness I did. I'm bally sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right. Let's see, wot wot? She was in the bally water, the flippin' eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the bloomin' eel started to charge her, and then-"
Fezzik lifted Blubbercup out of the water and set her down on the boat.
"I think he get closers." said Ingo, who was getting very nervous as he looked back again at the approaching ship.
"HE'S NO CONCERN OF OURS. SAIL ON! I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?"
"Only compared to some." replied Blubbercup.
The next morning, Blubbercup awoke to find the three kidnappers looking behind the ship at the following boat.
"Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using." wondered Ingo aloud.
"WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE?"
"HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor."
Fezzik thought for a bit.
"Wait, if our rhyming was making you go insane, can we do it here?"
Zizzini started to foam at the mouth, like he had eaten some Hershee Chocolate.
"NO YOU CAN NOT RHYME MORE YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME NOOOOO!!!"
Ingo shrugged and jumped off the boat.
The three villains got off the boat and taking the princess, hanged on to Fezzik as he started to ascend the rope to the top of the 702 feet-high cliff.
Suddenly the boat that was following them stopped, and a penguin wearing a black mask lept out of the ship.
"He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us." noticed Ingo.
"Inconceivable! FASTER!" shouted Zizzini.
"I thought I was going faster." replied Fezzik.
"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!"
"Well, I'm carrying three penguins, and he's got only himself." panted Fezzik, sweating under the weight of his passengers.
"I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL."
"Don't say that, Zizzini. Please?"
"DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT STAKE?"
The kidnappers managed to get to the top of the cliff before their mysterious pursuer could catch them.
"CUT THE THING!" yelled Zizzini, and Ingo, grabbing his sword, severed the rope in two.
They looked down only to see that the mysterious penguin was climbing the cliff face.
"He's got very good arms." mumbled Fezzik.
"HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!"
"You keep using that word." shot back Ingo, "I do not think it means what you think it means."
After pausing for a moment, Ingo suddenly realized "For the love of puffles! He's climbing!"
Indeed, it was true.
The penguin in black was slowly but surely making his way up the steep rock wall, paying almost no attention to the penguins above him.
"Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword."
"I'm going to do him left-handed."
"YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!"
"Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly."
"Oh, have it your way." sighed Zizzini.
"You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted." mumbled Fezzik, while holding the princess firmly to insure that she did not escape.
Ingo stared at him.
"Really? Ninjas all are untrustworthies?"
Zizzini was NOT happy.
"I'M WAITING!"
Zizzini and Fezzik left the cliff, leaving Ingo to deal with the masked penguin.
"Hello there! Slow going?" shouted Ingo cheerfully, looking down at the strange penguin climbing the wall.
"Arrrrrrrrr, Look, me hearties, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me." replied the masked penguin, looking up for the first time.
"Sorry." said Ingo apologetically.
"Arrrrrrr, thank ya."
"I do not suppose you could a-speed things up?"
"If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."
"I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you."
"That does put a damper on our relationship." mumbled the penguin.
"But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top."
"Arrrrrrrr, that's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."
"I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Waffliean...."
"Arrrrrrrrr, no good. I've known too many Wafflieans. Yech. Waffles."
"Is there not any way you'll trust me?"
"Nothing comes to mind."
Suddenly, Ingo stopped and after thinking for a moment, said "I swear, by my dead father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive."
"Arrrrr, then throw me the rope." said the penguin, looking relived.
Ingo grabbed the rope and quickly lowered it down to the masked one.
The penguin scurried up the rope like a spider, and when at the top, gave the kidnapper to whom he owed his life a humble "Thank you."
"W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready." mumbled Ingo, who settled down on a rock.
"Again, thank you."
"I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have a IcePod stuck on your right flipper?"thumb|300px|right|The sword fight, from the inspiration of this story
"Do you always begin conversations this way?" asked the penguin.
"My father was killed by a penguin with a IcePod stuck in his flipper. Was a great sword-maker, my father. When the IcePod-flippered penguin appear and request a special sword, my father took the job. He slave a year before it was done."
Ingo then drew his sword, which was covered in jewels and engraved with MMK sayings on the blade.
"Arrrrr, I've never seen its equal." said the masked penguin, admiring the blade.
"IcePod-flippered penguin and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price." Ingo continued. "My father refuse. Without a word, the penguin slash him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I fail. Icepod-flippered penguin leave me alive. But he give me this."
"THAT IS THE WORST GRAMMAR I'VE EVER SEEN!" interrupted Director Benny, who jumped on Ingo and yelled "SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH, YOU ΔΩϠ*$%&^$இணഊ෴ษ༕ ҈࿄ Ᏻᕇ∏⊛⎳⎲⏎␀①⓬☎☸☈♔♕♖♗♘♙♚♛!"
A boot fell from the sky and kicked Director Benny off the cliff, and McFlapp teleported him back to the badroom.
"What was that all about" asked the masked penguin.
Ingo ignored his question, and ran his flipper over a brutal looking scar on his right "cheek".
"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you." said Ingo suddenly.
"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die." shot back the mysterious penguin And then, both backed away from each other, and suddenly, with a leap, Ingo charged, beginning the duel.
Ingo flicked his sword at the penguin, who blocked it with a splendid Bonetti's defense.
"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain." said the penguin quickly.
Ingo attacked again with a Capo Ferro, but his opponent blocked it again with a superb Thibault.
"You are wonderful" said Ingo aloud, while striking harder and faster.
"Thank you. I've worked hard to become so." replied his opponent.
The strikes came faster and faster, the blocks became more and more complex, and soon, both of the fighters were fighting to the best of their ability.
Suddenly, the penguin with a skilful blow, fling Ingo's sword right out of his hand, and fling it over the wall.
"Kill me quickly." said Ingo with an awed look, and the penguin thumped him on the head with his sword hilt, knocking him out cold.
Ingo yelled.
"Ouch! You not hit hard enough!"
Ingo THEN fell to the floor, knocked out cold.
Chapter IV[]
Zizzini and Fezzik were out of the ruins and climbing the hills when suddenly Zizzini turned around to see the penguin in black following them.
"INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly, you scum!"
"What do I do? Take him to Jamba Juice?" asked Fezzik.
"FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!"
"Oh good, my way. Thank you, Zizzini."
Fezzik then thought fr a moment.
"Which way's my way? Take him to Jamba Juice?"
"DYEAHHH! WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME? Just pick up one of those stinkin' rocks, and get behind that boulder. In a few minutes the penguin in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!! SEE? HOW HARD IS THAT, HUH!?!"
"My way not very sportsmanlike." mumbled Fezzik, and he quickly hid behind a nearby boulder.
After a few minutes of anxious waiting, the penguin in black ran boldly through the rocks.
Fezzik grabbed a heavy rock and lugged it at the masked one without any trouble.
The rock crashed a few inches away from the penguin's head, and he quickly looked in the direction of Fezzik.
"I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss." mumbled Fezzik.
"I believe you. So what happens now?"
"We face each other as McFlapp intended...sportmanlike. Howabout Jamba Juice?"
Taken by surprise, the penguin stared at Fezzik and asked "I think a duel would be faster, plus I wouldn't be belching up slugs for the rest of the week."
"Okedokey. I kill you now."
"Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at flipper fighting."
"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't crave McDoodle's for nothing."
The penguin put down his sword, and Fezzik set down his rock.
Suddenly, the black penguin lept at Fezzik and pummelled him to no effect.
"Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?" asked the penguin, who was trying with all his might to make the giant budge.
"I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for penguins to die embarrassed." replied Fezzik happily.
Fezzik lunged his heavy clenched flipper at the penguin, missing by a Yoctometre.
"You're quick. Faster then my Aunt Agetha." mumbled Fezzik.
The penguin lept on Fezzik's back and tried to hang on.
"Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that? Or did you try Swiss Ninja's cooking?" asked Fezzik, who banged the poor penguin on his back against a boulder.
"Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future." and with that, the penguin grabbed Fezzik's neck and slowly but surely started to choke him.
"I just figured why you give me so much trouble." Fezzik said as he banged the penguin against another boulder, giving him a huge lump on his head.
"Why's that, do you think?"
"Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing." Fezzik started to feel faint, and stumbled around slower.
"Why should that make such a, OUCH!, difference?" asked the penguin, as his flippers closed in on Fezzik's neck.
"Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about ... one."
Fezzik then dropped to the ground, unconscious, and the penguin in black ran off.
Meanwhile, at the ruins, Swiss Ninja and his troops arrived at the ruins, only to find a empty place.
"There was a mighty duel." mumbled Austin, as he stared at the tracks. "It ranged all over. They were both masters."
"Who won? How did it end? Was she kille-I mean saved?" asked Swiss Ninja worriedly.
"The loser... ran off alone, towards McDoodle's, and the winner followed those footprints... toward the USA. Shall we track them both?" asked Austin.
"The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by the army of the USA. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead." said Swiss Ninja "bravely", taking command of the situation.
"Oh, and by the way, could this be a trap?" added Swiss Ninja.
"I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm still alive. Oh, can we go and buy some Hershee Chocolate??" asked Austin.
"AUSTINNN! THAT COMPANY BELONGS TO THE ENEMY! BY NO MEANS SHALL WE SUPPORT IT!" yelled Swiss Ninja, almost imitating Ben Hun.
To be continued
Result[]
Trivia[]
- It is a parody of The Princess Bride, a film that is considered a classic by some.
See also[]
External links[]
- External link