Club Penguin Fan Universe
Great Darktonian Pie War
Read all the chapters!

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19

See other features!

Archived Inclusions
Story Structure
Spin-off Game

This is the Chapter 4 of the Great Darktonian Pie War.

Chapter Four: Hi, Billy Mays Here![]

The two armies retired to their camps at sunset. Most of the night was spent treating injuries and making battle plans. None of them expected what would happen in the morning.

At dawn, Professor Shroomsky's army awoke to an unusually warm atmosphere (it was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit). In contrast, Darktan's lines saw an immense amount of fog and temperatures of -80 degrees Fahrenheit.

The battle resumed at 9:30 AM. Everything went pretty much the same as what had happened yesterday, with the exception of the fog around Darktan's army, which was reducing their visibility to a 1.25 foot radius.

At about 10:15, a loud crash of thunder was heard coming from Darktan's lines. Explorer, who had the privilege of flight, soared up above the battlefield to see what was going on.

A large line of dark, gray clouds was approaching the field. As Explorer watched, a bolt of lightning zapped through three clouds and struck one of the taller STINC soldiers. Then it began to snow.

Without warning, a gale-force wind stirred up, blowing the snow everywhere and further reducing visibility. The reading on one of Explorer's pocket thermometers fell rapidly, as did the reading on his handheld barometer. Just then, a small icy hailstone bonked Explorer's hat, Tittle, on the rotor. Explorer didn't even see it coming because the curtain of snow was so thick. Through the blinding waves of white that surrounded him, Explorer was able to barely make out the outline of a city skyline on top of one of the clouds. Explorer then realized what was happening.

"Aw, come on!" he yelled above the roar of the wind. "I should have known this was going to happen; I read the script two weeks ago! It's Mayor McFlapp's doing, isn't it?" he asked the narrator. There was no reply.

"Ah well, I'll just have to find out for myself!"

With that, Explorer, despite the blizzard and showering hail, shot off towards the looming cumulonimbus cloud with the strange flickering lights.


Billy Mays demonstrating the power of Oxypie

Darktan shot a beam of auras straight into the oncoming clouds. It penetrated straight through the storm, cutting clean through a third of the squall line.

Visibility was slightly restored; the army of Evil advanced.

Suddenly, an air horn pierced through the valley.

A lone Bean Human walked up the banks, facing the battle.

"Hi, Billy Mays here, demonstrating the power of Oxypie."

The creature held up a purple colored pie.

"It has the stickiness to cure even the toughest in evil stains."

He tossed the pie. It clobbered an STINC minion, who was out for the count.

Billy Mays continued.

He took a pie from a Dorkugese penguin nearby.

"See how Oxypie topples an STINC infantrymen in comparison to the leading brand of weaponry!"

He threw the pies at two STINC minions. The Oxypie flew faster and hit harder.

"The secret is the special fluids baked into the pastry! Watch how they connect and stick to the enemy's feathers like glue!"

Mays hurled the pie at Manny Peng. The Mwa Mwa Penguin fell and the momentum sent him back ten feet, knocking two STINC soldiers with it. Three bells and countdowns.

"Now that's the power of Oxypie!"

Up in Ternville, Explorer and Mayor McFlapp were in the Narrator's Office laughing over hillarity of their newfound spoof of Billy Mays and OxyClean.

"ROTFL...... seriously, Mayor, did you really come up with that all by yourself?" Explorer asked as he chortled uncontrollably. "I mean, Oxypie???? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!"

As Explorer burst out laughing all over the carpet, Mayor McFlapp continued typing at his Narration Organ.

"This Oxypie the human speaks of seems to be more powerful than I thought," said Darktan to his minions. "We must stop this at once."

Metal Explorer snickered as a evil grin came over his face.

"I can take care of that, oh wise and great Darktan."

The robot took off using his mini jet pack feet and flew into the battle. In his flipper he held a rather large pie. The penguins below saw it, and some even screamed.

"This should take care of these pesky penguins."

The robot let the pie go sending it to the ground. It hit 20 penguins, covering them in a strange substance. It was light green with a little dark purple in it. No one knew what it was. When the penguins tried to get up, though, the sticky liquid held them to the ground. It felt like oil and was almost as sticky as Oxypie.

"MOMMY!" yelled a Khanz Penguin.

"Save us!" cried a Dorkugese Penguin.

Everyone who wasn't busy fighting was worried. Billy Mays, however, just smiled. He then pulled out yet another strange contraption. Professor Shroomsky and Luce looked curious.

"What is that crazy advertiser doing now?" they asked the others.

Billy Mays then walked up to where the large pie had landed.

The special cleaning power of Kaboom

Billy Mays demonstrating the special cleaning power of Kaboom

"Stuck to the ground by a sticky pie? Then you need the special cleaning power of Kaboom!"

He held what appeared to be a container of cleaning supplies. He then sprayed some on the pie that had landed on the penguins and it surprisingly dissolved away.

"See how Kaboom cleans up Pie stains compared to the leading brands! When you're on the battlefield, you want the strength of this cleaner! Billy Mays Guaranteed."

The warriors then cheered and clapped. Metal Explorer, however, was furious.

"Impossible! How dare you question the Power of Lord Darktan's pies! You will be sorry!"

Just then, Blizzard threw a pie up at the crazy robot. This flung him back to Darktan's castle as fast as a snail tied to a rocket.

"Mayday! Mayday! Fire the pies!"

The battle continued as more pies were flung, and more penguins were being freed by Billy May's new weapon, Kaboom.

The Beastector then sent in larger, stickier pies.

Billy Mays continued, holding the Kaboom.

"The secret is the iodizing bonds! Kaboom has a special chemical formula that can remove any stain, from grape juice to pie, guaranteed!"

He sprayed free the others.

Darktan, now enraged, conjured up a pie the size of sixteen Herbert Horrors. He flung it, and it smashed over three-quarters of the army of Justice!

A High Penguin spirit was counting down from ten.

Billy Mays laughed and called in a tractor trailer that was hauling a full load of Kaboom.


The tractor trailer dumped its load of Kaboom. It washed over PBJT Valley, and wiped everyone free! Darktan's new pie was useless! He immediately reverted to the old pie that knocked people over.

Oxypies and cream pies continued to fly everywhere. Explorer continued to laugh at the advertising puns while Mayor McFlapp continued to type.