Club Penguin Fan Universe
Great Darktonian Pie War
Read all the chapters!

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19

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Archived Inclusions
Story Structure
Spin-off Game

This is the Chapter 17 of the Great Darktonian Pie War.


All was quiet. Darkness reigned. The Club Penguin Fanon Universe seemed to not exist.

Suddenly, a shaft of light pierced the darkness, and a cow appeared. A large, black and white cow that mooed and floated off into nothingness in the winds of eternity.

"This is not logical," said a voice.

"IT'S IMPROBABLE!" said a voice which sounded very much like Billy Mays, but was in fact nobody in particular.

"But all of it doesn't make sense," said a third, more timid voice, then the world exploded in a fountain of colour.

Reggae music began playing, presidents rode past starry lakes on unicorns, shooting rainbows everywhere. A land of happiness, punctuated by sadness and the anthromorphic personification of Hate.

It looked like Mabel.

"Excuse me," said a passing maniac, "I was wondering if you could give a statement for the thirteen O' clock news."

"Well, I'll tell you what," said Mabel, or should I say Hate, in an esteemed British accent. "I like chips in brown gravy."

"Splendid," said the maniac, who promptly got himself killed at the next Zebra Crossing.

There was another explosion and the world seemed to flicker between what was fiction and what was reality.

"What exactly did you set the drive to?" asked Director Benny's disembodied voice.

"Some improbable number, woot," said Mayor McFlapp, his voice issuing from a piece of nearby fairy cake.

"Where's Becky?" asked Illustrator Keith, or someone who was pretending to be Keith.

"Down here," said Becky.

The trio looked to their respective right, left and front to see Becky's beak, detached from her body, floating in the ocean.

"Improbability rate one million and falling," said another voice.

"What was that?" asked the voice that probably wasn't Keith.

"The Drive, wawt!" said the cake, "It's lowering the improbability, we should all turn back to normal when she gets to zero."

"Haha," said Director Fruitcake, "Your w@ts are getting jumbled up, McFlapp."

"Oh, do shut up," said a piece of bacon.

In South Pole City, things were weirder.

WitchyPenguin had become a small car, which could not fly. However, the Improbability Drive soon fixed that.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" cried the car, turning cartwheels in the air, until it hit a spaceship that had seemed to materialise out of thin air. The Car fell up into the sky.

One-third of Darktan's minions had become sea urchins, much to the dismay of the other two-thirds, who had become hedgehogs.

"Improbability rate of 500,000 and falling,"

The Darktonian Realm had become a palace full of rainbows. Inside, sunlight streamed through the windows to the inponderable depths of the oxygen mines.

"As your new king," screamed Barack Obama, "I demand you all take harmonica lessons."

"Yes master," said Darktan, who was now a cute white rabbit. "May I pull myself out of a hat?"

"Please do," mumbled Obama, attending to his horse.

"IT IS A UNICORN!" screamed Midas, wearing his shoes on his nose. "OH EM GEE!"

"mmmmmmm" said Mister Bean, who had just said the most imaginable insult ever in the improbable history of the world. At that precise moment, an improbable time portal opened up and "MMMMMM" flew into the space-time continuum, converted into a 60s dance party. A blue box stood in the middle of the dance floor.

"Improbability rate of 100,000 and falling."

"Ooh," said The Doctor in glee, peering at the TARDIS' monitor, "Somebody's activated the Improbability Drive!"

The interior of the TARDIS had not changed.

"Whoop de do," said Luce, "Anything else, Mr Happy?"

"Yes. Are you ready?" asked the Doctor.

"For what?" replied Luce, her eyes eager and wide open.

Chapter Seventeen: Evil is a Dish Best Served Raw[]

"Very beautiful Chicks," said Finwe. "You should be very proud Mrs. Anator."

"I am and so is Theangol. They're very precious."

Finwe sat next to a female penguin who was holding two little Chicks. They were sleeping and didn't look like they would wake up anytime soon.

"So, where exactly is Theangol anyways?" Asked Finwe.

The female penguin looked puzzled and simply shrugged. Finwe looked seriously at her.

"If you're hiding something from me, I'd wish for you to tell it. I worry for Theangol. Especially because of his ancestry."

Mrs. Anator rolled her eyes, but then regreted she had.

"I'm sorry Saint Finwe, it's just penguins are always judging him just because of his grandfather. Most of them didn't even know him."

"Well I did Mrs. Anator. He was a menacing villian. Nothing but darkness filled his heart. His tranformation shall be remembered for years to come."

The female penguin looked desperatley at him.

"Surely you're not blaming my husband for the mistakes of his grandfather are you?"

Finwe turned to face the window behind him, to see the rising sun.

"Everyone will always fear him abit Mrs. Anator. It will be hard to forget what his grandfather did to Freezeland, and the High Penguins.

"You were very wise to fear me all those years ago Finwe. It's time I finish what my grandfather started. He was never truely defeated, simply delayed. By a couple hundred years off course."

Just then a Dark Templar appeared behind him. Darktan looked seriously at the creature.

"What do you want this time?"

"Oh great lord Darktan, we need more troops out on the battlefield."

"WHAT! I brought 5,000 Abyss Knights, 4,867 Doom Knights, The High Penguins of Darkness, and 50,000 of my other minions! How in the name of Arda can you need more troops?"

"It-it's j-just that they're t-to p-owerful lord D-Darktan. They do have Triskelle on their side you know."

Darktan growled and looked down at the creature.

"I could care less if they had Saint Finwe himself on their side. You'll win this war with our remaining troops, or I'll get rid of your Snowtendo Vii!"

The Templar looked in shock, and then it started to shake even more.

"Please Lord D-Darktan be r-reas-sonable."

Darktan grabbed the Templar by the neck and held him right up to his face. He then growled and the creature shrieked.

"Ow, ow, ow!" It yelled.

"I didn't bring all my best men here just to be defeated by some inexperienced rookies! I'll bring out one more set of troops, but you had better win this war with them!!!"

Angrily he threw the creature at the door, and it shakily tried to reply.

"I pr-promise L-L-Lord Darktan."

The creature then fainted, and Darktan picked up his cell phone.

"It's about time that garbage-eating, ball of armored plating kept his promise."

"Oh yah man. This is the.......


Bugzy leaped out of his hot tub, and quickly put his hat on. He then realised it was his cell phone and he looked to see who was calling.

"Why exactly did I put Polka as the big boy's ringtone?"

Reluctantly he answered the phone and held it up to his ear (or whatever beetles have).

"Yo dog. What's up?"

"This is the almighty Darktan, Bugzy."

Bugzy laughed and clapped his pinchers together.

"Darktan who?"

A growling sound came from the phone.

"Don't pull those tricks on me you overgrown cockroach. Right now I need that backup you promised."

"Okay let's get somethings straight here Darky. Number 1, just relax. I'm gettin ya backup ready, we've just been a bit distracted. Number 2, can't you take a joke man? And Number 3, I'm a Beetle."

"Very funny Smart Alleck. Now unless you want me to take back our deal, you'll stop getting distracted AND GET THAT BACKUP HERE NOW!!!!!"

The phone then hung up, and Bugzy looked suprised.

"This is why I don't usually make deals with penguins. Whatever though, as long as Darky pays me I don't care how demanding he is. However incase he decides not to, I gotta few tricks up my abdomen."

Bugzy then went back to his hot tub, and started to once again relax.

Great Lee was stuffing himself full of penguin, as usual. One of his minions came forward.

"Sir," the minion said, "There's a war going on between Darktan and those penguins. If that Darktan guy wins, we might not be able to eat penguin anymore!

Lee wasn't happy. He decided to fight Darktan, so he can eat later. One of the penguins he had for supper had a jet pack. Seals may be fat, but they can fly like penguins.

Darktan had just gotten onto the balcony of his castle to see the war still going on. He also noticed that his army seemed to be losing even with the reinforcements the Templar had brought.

"DON'T GO HACK CP! The best things in life do not come free!!"

Darktan looked shocked and almost fell over. Where was that ringtone coming from? When did he choose that?

Go and buy Membership, like you know that you should. Oh don't go hack CP!

Darktan floated around the room, looking for the source. Then, he realized it was coming from the Amulet. He held it up and heard a voice.

"Hello Darktan."

Darktan then realised it was Opacus.

"How are you talking to me? I'm no where near the mirror!"

"I've recently been able to activate an ancient Ardian spell I placed into the amulet when I first created it. It allows me to speak to whoever is wearing it, no matter where they are, just like a telephone."

Darktan didn't know much about what he was talking about, but he just continued to listen.

"So tell me Darktan, how is your little war going?

"Master, I have failed you. I'm losing terribly to The citizens of the USA, and worst of all Triskelle. My only chance is to use the Maledict form now and rid myself of them."

A lould noise came from the amulet and Darktan quickly floated to his room, afraid that the others would hear it.

"NO DARKTAN! You must wait until the right moment like I told you. However there is another little suprise I put into the amulet that should give you some advantage. It's not as powerful as the Maledict, but it will give you the upper hand in this war."

"Perfect then Master. What is this suprise and how will it help me?"

"It's simple really. It will involve some ancient tactics though, and it could hurt, but in the end it will be completely worth it."

Darktan laughed his trademark laugh and then rubbed his flippers together.

"Will I still be able to assume the Maledict form when the time comes?"

Opacus snickered.

"Perhaps into an even more powerful Maledict, my apprentice. Anyways though, let's begin. First of all you must soak the amulet in water, and add some Doom Weed Leaves."

"I don't understand how exactly this will help, but I will do as you say master. I'll get the Templars to do it right away."

"Perfect my grandson. You're becoming more like me everyday."

Darktan didn't know whether this was a compliment or not. He was about to ask when he was inturupted by a "You Got Mail!" sound coming from the amulet.

"Now, I must go... there are some delicious e-mails I have to eat... yum yum..."

Darktan wished his grandfather farwell and went to perform this so called tactic.

Of all the warriors in the Pie War, Billy Mays was probably working the hardest. So far he had taken down 500 Darktonian Minions with OxiPie, fixed 47 Pie Tanks, and reloaded 7,683 Fruit Blasters with ammo. But not everyone was happy with his work. There was one person who was very jealous of Billy, and the person was Vince. His products never worked, and Billy's allways did decided to get even with Billy then and there. Creeping up behind the advertiser, Vince threw a ShamOMG!!! straight at Billy. The advertiser then turned around and looked angrily at Vince.


"You see Billy. I think you've had enough time in the spotlight. TV needs to see me more. I can just see Penguins admiring me."

Billy laughed for almost a minute and then pointed at Vince's head.


Vince growled and tried to put his hair down. He then took out another ShamOMG! and wapped it against a rock.

"How about we settle this here and now Billy?"

Billy then pulled out a Zorbeez and whapped it against the rock, causing the Boulder to break. Vince looked shocked and Billy laughed.


The two faced each other and pulled out their choice of weapons. Vince holding a ShamOMG! and Billy holding a Zorbeez, the two looked ready to fight. Then, holding their weapons up in the air, the two charged straight at each other. The two then kept wapping each other with their cloths and the battle had begun.

"Give up now Billy."


Eventually they got out other weapons. Vince pulled out his SlapOMG! and Billy pulled out a OxiPie.


Just then Billy threw the pie straight at Vince. Vince blocked it with his SlapOMG!, but then saw that his weapon had broken down.


Just then Billy threw an Oxipie at Vince, and it hit him in the face. Vince then fell down, and Billy laughed.


Vince then got up and growled angrily.

"I'll get you next time Billy. And when I do, I'll finally get that money Darktan promised me."

Billy looked confused and Vince walked away. He then wondered who else Darktan could be promising money to. Maybe someone who's much more of a threat than Vince!

Darktan was walking towards the Templar's room to have them perform the tactic when he heard a voice. It was calling his name and it sounded very worried. Darktan looked to see WitchyPenguin flying on her broom towards him. She was frightened.

"What in the name of Arda is wrong with you, WitchyPenguin? You're acting like a second Khanzem Era is about to happen."

WitchyPenguin panted and them bowed down at Darktan.

"Oh great master. Great Lee himself is attempting to break down your door right now. He's almost succeeded!"

Darktan rolled his eyes and held up the amulet to show WitchyPenguin.

"I have more important things to do than worry about that insignificant blubber ball. Besides, what Leopard Seals have in strength, they lack in brains. Tell him to come in and say that if he tries to eat you I'll incinerate him with the amulet."

"Yes master."

WitchyPenguin flew off nervously and Darktan simply crossed his flippers and smirked.

Great Lee came crashing through the hallway with some of his minions close behind. He dragged his fat seal blubber down the mighty corridors of Weegee's Manor and up to the Dark Lord.

Darktan simply stood his ground while WitchyPenguin shook nervously behind him, and a Mwa Mwa Penguin sucked on it's flipper. Then the Leopard Seals stopped and roared revealing their huge, sharp teeth.


Darktan simply stood his ground and smirked. Great Lee then ran right up to Darktan's face and groweled for about a minute. Afterwards he stepped back and put on a general hat.

"It's time for you to become my dinner, Darktan. Just to show you that me and my troop are not entirley cruel through, we'll eat you and your two friends there quickly and easily."

Darktan laughed and the Leopared Seals growled.

"Honestly, you fools! I'm worth a way better preperation than that. Aren't you atleast going to cook me?" Darktan chuckled; he left out the part that he was inedbile and poisonous because of his power.

"Evil is a dish best served raw Darktan. We're not about to stop eating penguins because you might start ruling Antarctica."

Darktan laughed even more and then walked up closer towards that seals. He thought up a lie, and thought it up quick.

"Threats like that are clear forms of cowardness. Besides I won't stop you from eating penguins."

Great Lee stopped barking and put his face closer to Darktan.

"You... you won't?"

"Do you actually think I'm going to keep all those penguins who are against us around here after I win this war? You're free to do whatever you want with them."

Great Lee blinked.

"You... you're not?"

"Oh, no! Of course not! Why would I?" he giggled to himself, this trap was going to work well. He had already planned to make everyone his servants, minions, staff, ec.

"Oh, well, in that case... good luck with the war." Lee was about to leave when he turned around and glared at Darktan. "If you go back on your word, the witch here gets it."

Darktan nooded. Great Lee shut the doors and all was quiet.

"Heh heh... PSYCH!" Darktan turned to WitchyPenguin. "All right, deploy the trap!"

WitchyPenguin chanted an exotic phrase and caused a hole to appear outside, right under the seals. They fell in.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Great Lee bellowed, seething in fury.

Darktan floated over and looked down in the hole at the furious pennipeds.

"...-and THAT's what you get for your kind eating my father!" Darktan laughed his trademarked laugh as the seals struggled to scratch their way out of the deep hole. Several Mwa Mwa Penguins stuck their tounges out at him, and even Darktan joined in. He smirked and tosses a bunch of lettuce into the hole.

"Here, have some dinner, it's on me. I'll see you in, oh, fifty years or so. HA HA HA!" Darktan floated off happily, going back to his vantage and planning point.

"Hmmm...." Darktan said, pacing back and forth. "We are losing. We must retreat. Aha, but they wont be much without their precious capital, will they?" He said to a Mwa Mwa Penguin.

"Otay. Wes swir!" said the loonie.

Darktan called a break with the referee. The referee agreed. He sounded an air horn and ordered the armies to stop. Group "aawwws" were heard across the valley.

Luce turned to Proffesor Shroomsky.

"Professor, make sure you don't drop the Silmaril Crown. Darktan is up to something, and we're going to need it."

Shroomsky nodded.

Darktan floated at his vantange point overlooking the battle.

"Before we storm the capital, we must figure out why the tides shifted right after the storm came..." Darktan whispered to himself.

He clapped his flippers and summoned a Dark Archon. The dragon-smoke creature bowed in respect and waved, signaling he was ready for his orders.

"Okay. I need you to go into that could and find out anything you can on a powerful weapon."

The Dark Archon bowed and did so. He flew up into the sky and immediantly mnd-controlled a random arctic tern. Using this new body, he shuffled in a zombie manner straight to Mayor McFlapp's quarters.

The Archon paused. He looked left and right. For a second, he could have sworn he heard someone playing an organ down the halls of the empty building.

He shuffled down the corridors to a room with an ornate door. Two terns holding Snow Ball Guns stopped him.

"What do you want?"

The Dark Archon was nervous. He had no idea what to do, and since his species can not speak, he was worried. He floated out of the tern he mind-controled and dashed behind a curtain. The tern shook its head rapidly.

"Where am I? Why am I in front of the Narrator's Organ room?"

The guards glared. The tern dashed off.

The Dark Archon sighed in relief. He immediantly fired his aura beams at one of the guards, forcing it to the The Worm dance. He zapped the other, and it started cutting the rug like Cadence, even doing her signature dance.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?!" one tern screamed to the other.


The Dark Archon flew between them and burst open the locked doors. There, he saw the Narrator's Organ, and a random tern entruseted with operating it while the Mayor was away. Its screens showed various things on the battleground, as well as Darktan at his vantage point. The wraith's eyes metaphorically grew to the size of dinner plates. He had found the secret! An all-seeing console! The Archon exited the room and flew down from the clouds.

Darktan turned as his minion entered.

"Did you find anything?"

The Archon nodded feverishly.


The Archon nodded. He held up one claw.

"Charades?! I have no time for this! Oh, never mind... okay... first word."

The Dark Archon pointed up.


The Archon nodded. He held up two claws.

"Second word."

The wraith imitated an arctic tern.


The archon shook its head. He continued flapping.

"Missles? Aircraft? Space shuttle? Come on, do something else!"

The Dark Archon slapped his claw against his face. He formed a cloud of auras into the rough shape of a top hat. He placed it on his head and started strutting around.

"Will Whitefoot?"

He shook his head. The Archon started flapping his arms again, while strutting around.

"OH! Mayor McFlapp! What about him?"

Still wearing the top hat, the Archon held out his claws and imitated playing a keyboard.

"Mayor McFlapp plays the piano?"

The wraith shook its head. He grabbed a nearby book and started playing the keyboard on it.

"Mayor McFlapp plays on books like a piano?"

The Dark Archon slapped his claw against his face once more. He pointed to Darktan and floated above him, playing the keyboard once more.

"He plays the keyboard... on me?"

The Dark Archon nodded. He then shot auras at Darktan, making him dance like Cadence for a few seconds, before Darktan borke free.

"AAAGH! You insolent... Why did you do THAT?!"

The Archon continued chrading. He played the keyboard and pointed to Darktan.

"Wait, the keyboard, it's controlling me?"

The Archon nodded. He then imiatated banging the keyboard like in a horror movie.

"He plays an organ? Mayor McFlapp plays an organ that controls me?"

The wraith nodded feverishly.

"How can that be?"

The Dark Archon shrugged. He pointed up.

"It's in the sky?"

The Archon clapped in celebration.

"So, Mayor McFlapp has an organ, in the sky, that controls me? Where is it?!"

The Dark Archon pointed in the direction he flew off. Darktan subsequently fired an aura beam in that direction.

The beam barely missed the Organ. It knocked it over and tore a hole in the Mayor's office. The beam continued into space, where it damaged a satillite.

A NASA controller shivered.

"The Chandra X-Ray observatory is now offline..."

Screams were heard in the background.

Darktan sat, grinning in his chamber.

"Men? Let's attack Ternville."

The forces of good were relaxing. The bell ran again, and the war started.

As the fight began, Darktan began to retreat. Hundreds of Pengolians had charged on his right flank, and the High Penguins were still fighting hard. However, nobody noticed a large black cloud floating towards Ternville.

Meanwhile, in Ternville...


Several terns were running back in forth with tools, trying to repair the damaged city. Darktan was bombing Ternville with his artillery.

"The city will be safe as long as the shields are kept up!" cried Mayor McFlapp over the uproar in Ternville's Master Control Room. "Direct all available energy to the shield generators!"

A random tern flew into the room and tapped the Mayor on the shoulder.

"Sir? The enemy artillery just destroyed five of our shield generators. There's no way we can keep the shields up and running -- at full power, at least."

"What?!" yelled the Mayor. "But what's the maximum percentage of shield integrity?"

"27.2%, I'm told," replied the tern. "30% at best."

"This is going to need some bally rethinking, wot," muttered the Mayor to himself. "Direct all available shield energy to protect the city and the last three generators." And with that, he strode off.

The Mayor walked all the way around Ternville's central control rooms until he came to a balcony poised outside the west wing of the building. From there he had a clear vantage point of Darktan's cloud. Taking out a pair of binoculars, the Mayor took a closer look at the cloud.

"Hold it, wot wot, do mine eyes deceive me?" said the Mayor as he took a very close look at the top of the cloud.

"Hey... there's no bloomin'...." Mayor McFlapp looked at the audience for one brief moment to emphasize, then ran off to the conference room.