The Humana Cathedral Papers

The Humana Cathedral Papers were a group of letters found outside of the Humana Cathedral of Spookiness. No one except for Barkjon, TurtleShroom, Explorer 767, and the South Pole Council have read them. Right after they were found, a skua boss stole the letters, but lost them while navigating the tall, forbidding spires of Humana Cathedral. The explorers who found the letters climbed up onto the roof to retrieve them. The letters were eventually locked deep away in a high-security vault beneath South Pole City. Mysteriously, the letters somehow got sent to Barkjon, TurtleShroom, and Explorer 767.

Contents
The following are copied from papers that was found lying with several other papers wrapped in a bundle about two meters away from the front door of the Humana Cathedral.

Date: 11/4/07
''Barkjon found this lying on his drum kit... weird.'' Dear Dr. Humana,

6/6/06

I have recently accquired new info on the mysterious island south-west of here. It seems to be a--believe me when I say this--settlement/city of penguins!!! They appear to be able to talk and are actually living a lifestyle similar to the human lifestyle! This is a very interesting colony, Doctor. I plan to find out whether more colonies exist. Who knows, there might be a whole COUNTRY of penguins!

Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

12/21/07
''TurtleShroom found this in his mailbox... weird. This letter is especially odd.''

Dear Dr. Rick Stammerly, Never in all my years of illegal animal testing have I heard something so idiotic. Why exactly did I send you to the frozen wasteland of Antarctica? We are not even allowed there! Nobody is! Find some real facts or you will lose your job.

Also, how could penguins act in a humanistic manner if no human has ever come in contact with them? Don't you remember the "Antarctic Preservation Treaty" signed back in 1913? It says, and I quote: "May Antarctica's frozen beauty remain eternally preserved in its glory away from mankind. Any and all who set foot shall be punished by the fullest extent of the law". Sir, I must inform you that this illegal operation takes millions out of my research every year. I don't care what the law says, you are going to find what I need you to--- The rest is illegible.

2/24/08
''TurtleShroom was editing on the Club Penguin Wiki, and a popup appeared displaying the following letter... weird.''

Dear Dr. Humana, I just had the weirdest experience... so there I was, walking out around the cathedral looking for those freaks that I insist are real, and THEY ARE. Would I be out here in this dump freezing my backside if I was not serious?! Anyway, I was walking, and I was kicked in the face! Right on the cheek, too! Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a martial artist. Yes, I really saw a martial artist. The fastest fighter I ever saw. It was like a ding-dong ninja, I tell you!

Oh well, I'll be using the phone from now on. Our writings are somehow disappearing... besides, you don't want the government on our backs, do you? If they find us, we go to jail! Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

3/01/08
''Explorer 767 found this stuffed in his coffee apron... weird.''

Dear Dr. Humana, I realized something... do you know of the now popular online game "Club Penguin"? This may sound insane, but the penguins I have seen look very similar to those on the game. I hope you will not denounce me for this but... could "Club Penguin" exist in reality? Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

4/04/08: Phone Conversation
Wiretapped by accident: a Snell-Libro accidentally recorded this while listening to a symphony.

Dialing sounds are heard...

Dr. Stammerly: Good morning, Doctor Humana. I apologize for waking you up at 6:00 AM, but I have proof. I AM NOT CRAZY! I am sending an image via my research ship as I speak. You will not believe what it is.

Dr. Humana: Well, it better be good, doofus. I've got animal experi- I mean animal spearmint to create.

Dr. Stammerly: Animal spearmint? You mean like the candy?! Is it shaped like a seal? OH, I LOVE THOSE!

Dr. Humana: Silence!

Dr. Stammerly: Fine, keep all the candy to yourself.

Dr. Humana: FORGET ABOUT THE CANDY, LOSER! You've got research to do!

Dr. Stammerly: Exactly. That image should prove it.

Dr. Humana: Hmm... tell me more about this "image".

Dr. Stammerly: Well, when you get it, you will immediantly see a penguin wearing a plaid shirt and a graduation hat in the foreground. In the background, I want to point out a trail of smoke that looked like it came from a steam engine, circa 1897, I do believe. If you look even closer, you should be able to see a small black dot and a miniature power line at the entrails of the stream.

Dr. Humana: You really are crazy, aren't you?

Dial-up sounds are heard.

Dr. Humana: Hmm... I received the fax of that picture you sent me...

Dr. Humana: I do see a penguin with clothing... excellent drawing skills, if I do say so myself.

Dr. Stammerly: What?! No, that's a genuine, bonified, unaltered image I took directly from my research ship! They were right on the coast!

Dr. Humana: If you could get such an excellent image from the shore, how come these "penguins" didn't see you?

Dr. Stammerly: It was because they were talking to puncuation marks!

Loud laughter roars on the other end.

Dr. Stammerly: No, seriously! There were puncuation marks that hopped on the ground, and then I saw a flying snail and-

Dr. Humana: Stammerly, have you been drinking a lot of sweet tea recently?

Dr. Stammerly: No... not much... yes, Doctor Humana, I have.

Dr. Humana: Exactly my point. You know how sweet tea makes you hy- wait, how did you get tea on your ship? You never packed any!

Dr. Stammerly: Oh... well I found a whole case of tea-bags and a two pounds of sugar on the top deck last morning. A note was written on it too. I have it right now. Want me to read it?

Dr. Humana: ...

Dr. Stammerly: Okay... it says "We love your ship! Come to Dorkugal so we can share building tips!".

Dr. Humana: Wow, you really are hyper. It's pronounced Portugal, silly. Now if you excuse me I have to go back to bed. Anything else to say?

Dr. Stammerly: Yes. I'm going to go in disguise with a camera. I will prove it to you if it takes me FOREVER!

Dr. Humana: Gah! No need for that. I will meet you at the cathedral in the morning. I guess we'll go in disguise together. I will arrive tommorow so KEEP IT A SECRET!

Dr. Stammerly: HUZZAH!

Dr. Humana: You know, if you were not my younger brother, you would SO be fired right now.

Both hang up.

Date: 7/07/08
Barkjon found this on his surfboard.

Dear Dr. Humana,

I have acquired more info on this strange penguin country, the United States of Antarctica, strangely like our beloved United States of America. I must find out more about this strange settlement. A mischievous penguin named Barkjon went into the cathedral. If he comes again, I'll capture him and bring him to you. I have also got information on strange creatures, mainly living in the island Club Penguin. They are basically little balls of fur with eyes and a mouth. They're called puffles. I shall try to capture one of them as well.

Sincerly, Dr. Rick Stammerly

Date: 9/23/08
''Explorer 767 found this taped to the fretboard of his electric guitar... weird.''

Dear Dr. Humana,

I have had a most frightening and intriuging experience! I was out at the cathedral, and I saw a penguin wearing a propeller hat, surrounded by puffles. I immediately tried to net them in, but he saw me, took out an electric guitar and actually hit me with it! I faded into unconsiousness, and I woke up tied to the cathedral door. It took all night to pry myself out of the ropes! I am very tired now and will go to bed. I hope you understand the seriousness of this encounter, Dr. Humana: the penguins don't want us here!

Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

11/03/08
''The South Pole Council was debating, and this paper floated out of an air vent and down onto the council table... weird.''

Dear Dr. Humana,

I have been interviewing penguins, and like you told me to do, I told them I was making a documentary for Portugal. They kept on asking me, "Don't you mean Dorkugal?" I was getting increasingly frustrated by their antics, so I decided to do some research on this "Dorkugal" or whatever they call it. I found a most intriuging site called the "Club Penguin Fanon Wiki". It lists fan-made things about the popular game "Club Penguin". While I was looking at the site, I saw something shocking: an entire article about our letters! I don't know how that got there, but the article is very detailed, down to the last punctuation mark! I saw some links that might lead to more very important articles, but then my comuter mysteriously crashed. Weird... it's as if someone didn't want me to know something.

Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

12/23/08
Explorer 767 found this emailed to him, strange.

Dear Dr. Humana,

I tried to make a account on this site, but I got kicked off. I've decided to use my IP instead, and went searching down the site. I tried to edit articles, but the site won't let me! I tried to create a virus unlock the firewall (if there was any), and this damn message keeps appearing: "Acess Denied---~The Dorkugal". Then my computer shuts down! I want further investigation on this site, it's like the members of this site are. Happy Holidays!

Sincerely, Dr. Rick Stammerly

Appearances
The letters, which are supposed to be locked away at a vault deep beneath South Pole City, have mysteriously appeared in some awkward places. Most mysteriously, the only people the letters get sent to are Barkjon, TurtleShroom, and Explorer 767.

Controversy
Many people, including Explorer 767, think the papers are proof of the so-called "humans" discovered by Vasco de Gah! in early 2008. They argue that the very name of the Cathedral, Humana, is proof of the humans' exsistence. Others, like Icmer In Nyc, think the papers are just cheap, altered fakes, and think some mean skuas have the real thing. He also thinks they're the ones who keep making them appear in random places. Meanwhile, strange things are happening at Humana Cathedral. Sounds come from within the cathedral doors, and two odd penguins can be seen going in at night.