User blog:TurtleShroom/What Hath (real world) Congress Wrought? Well, on the bright side... PERHAPS MORE PARODIES!

Normally, I'm against out of topic blog posts, BUT I felt like I want to make an exception for this.

Overview
  For anyone who cares, the House of Representatives in the real world USA have passed the dreaded Universal Health Care Reform bill... by five votes.  

I watched C-SPAN all day, literally, yesterday. I had never seen such a debate. One Republican even declared a Democrat was performing ad nauseum, which was an interesting alusion to Explorer. Explorer uses fallacies used by the Congress.

When one liberal attacked the Republican's "G.O.P." acronym on a rather revelant, but rude stance, I was expecting a declaration of ad hominum, but there was silence.

= DA LAW! =

Features

 * Now then, for those who care, here is some of the more, umm, interesting clauses in our new healthcare system.
 * There will be, oh, over one hundred new bureaucracies (and not the good Wiki kind) instated. There's even a beuracracy designed to create a commission, which will create a new item, apparently involving Native Americans.
 * Qualified vetrinatrians will recieve federal loan forgiveness.
 * There's something in there involving a sweage system (or the rights to build one) for Native Americans.
 * There will be a Health Care Insurance Exchange (or as I call it, the Exchangeanator). Folks without insurance go there and choose one of the provided (approved) templates that fits them the closest. Some states may be denied to have their own, local exchange, if they don't mean certain federal requirements.
 * It is illegal for insurance companies to have "monopolies" now.
 * There is nothing in there about tort reform (AKA frivelous lawsuit bans) for medical malpractice (AKA a doctor leaving a scapel inside your body, a real reason to sue).
 * Doctor licensing is now upgraded to new standards.
 * Insurance Companies can never drop you for anything (except fraud), especially pre-existing conditions.
 * There is a top limit to how much you can pay out of your pocket, but there isn't one for the insurers. However, that isn't explicitly outlined, that was just something the Democrats said on the floor when watching C-SPAN.
 * Does your family make more than $500,000 a year totaled? You're going to get taxed to pay for this.
 * There is now a Public Health Option which you can choose over normal insurers. This Public Health Insurerance is created by, quote, the "Public Health Ombudsman". It's a one-size-fits-all plan for anyone who wants it.
 * Every citizen of the United States HAS to have health insurance, or else they get in big trouble. It's like car insurance mandates, but on health.
 * What can't be funded with the taxes on the rich comes out of Medicare (AKA free money for old folks at home). My great-grandmother gets $956 a month on her current Medicare.
 * If you're under twenty-seven by the time this bill passes, you're locked on your parent's plan (if they have one) until that birthday.
 * All insurance policies, no matter who makes them, must meet certain standards provided by various government officials.
 * The Health and Human Services Department (which already existed) can now mandate that all state health websites must look like this or that or must contain this or that. Just health websites... for now.
 * You DO get to keep your favorite doctor..................... for now.
 * If your business is REALLY small, you'll get Tax Credits, or as I call them, gift cards, to make purchasing templates at the Exchange cheaper.

New Cronies and Beuracracies (and not the good Wiki kind)
Now, this is just the insurance part. What about actual medicne? No clue.

Bureau of Health Information
The HCC is the head of the BHI... I think. Anyway... this Bereau's bereaucrats are at the top, but they have friends.

The Bureau's power can be best described by reading the Minister of Health's powers on our wiki. Doctor John Barrbuh has a bit more power than the BHI. This bureau's power overthrows the Surgeon General, once the most powerful in the Federal Government's health ladder. His job was reccomendations, warnings, and stuff like that. He didn't intervene directly. This man is now but another beuracrat in the list. In fact, the Surgeon General now answers to the BHI.

Lower Cronies
I love when there's cronies. Some people think I have cronies. My mother loves to joke about the Wiki and call the CPFW users "my cronies".

Doctor Nerd
Directly below the BHI is "National Coordinator for Health Information Technology (IT)". I'll call him "Doctor Nerd". His job is to digitize and file everything, tell major hospitals how to file theirs, and keep these archives running at a federal level.

If your hospital network doesn't meet the Standards of Doctor Nerd, you'll get fined, and you'll also have to repair it. My local dentist STILL uses mass paper archives. Now, this reform doesn't control dentists (that I know of), but let's uuse our imagiantions.

If my old-school dentist filing answered to this bill, in a few years, they'd get a letter from someone who answers to someone who answers to (etc.) Doctor Nerd. They would have to obey his standards, probably meaning get a computer network and scan everything that is archived. That would be stored x-rays, dental recods, orthodintic references, citations, names, numbers, etc. The Government won't be able to see that data, but it's a hassle for a hospital to be forced to digitize it when paper works just as well.

Doctor Nerd is one man, and probably appointed by the President.

Office of Civil Rights
At the same power as Doctor Nerd is the Office of Civil Rights. An office, meaning a whole bunch of folks. Whoop-de-do.

Office of Minority Health
The other at the same power is the Office of Minority Health.

Why do the minorities always get special attention and offices? WHERE'S MY OFFICE? What about the majority?

Who answers to them?
Good question.

They answer directly to the Health and Human Services Department. However, the BHI's only connection to the rest of this bureaucracy is through his three Cronies. So, if the Cabinet has a problem with the HCC, they'll have to tell Doctor Nerd or one of the others, and they relay it. If it goes to someone who helps out Doctor Nerd, it'll reach it somewhere. If it goes to one of the Offices, it'll take longer, because these offices have their own (non-Wiki, bad) bureaucracies. These things go up AND down.

What about the Surgeon General?
Well, I'm a huge Surgeon General fan. I don't know why, but there's just something awesome about surgeon general. SURGEON... GENERAL! He's like, the GENERAL OF SURGEONS! Epic win!

Anyway, this man of win answers to two characters. He answers to the BHI and Health Advisory Benefits Commitee. By the way, that's a COMMITEE, not a person.

The Surgeon General will still issue his warnings and endorsements........... -but will they ever get there? If the BHI beauracrats or the other company he answers to wants it to.

A whole lot of beauracrats, but the Surgeon General is still one person! He's only... sandwhiched between to bureaucracies!

Henchmen and Offices
Below and adjacent to the BHI and his Cronies are other folks. I call these Henchmen. You can't have cronies without henchmen!

Public Health Investment Fund
I'm guessing that this is the pile of cash funding the Public Option, or at least the beauracrats who will get it. It answers straight to the USA Treasury and the IRS.

Health Insurance Exchange Trust Fund
Remember the Exchange? These are the beauracrats that hold the money that funds the Exchange's existence. It's somehow connected to the PHIF above this header.

NPBD
It, along with the slashed out HIRDB, answer to the Health and Humans Serives Department. The NPBD also answers to the Veterans Department.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD PEOPLE?!
Good question! Geezers either draw Medicaid, Medicare, or, according to the list, S-CHIP.

These three elder services answer to the CMS and straight to the States. Through the CMS, they all answer to Comparative Effectiveness Research Commision. This Commision answers to the, quote, Ombudsman, another appointee.

The commission is also controled by the CCER, which answers to, quote, Advisoray Panels.

Lastly, Medicare must answer to the Language Demonstration Program. No, I don't know what that is.

CCER
Get this. It's a beauracracy, led by advisors, that ADVISES a beauracracy. The acronym is not explained. So, it's advisors advising a beauracracy that advises a beauracracy.

Has your head exploded yet?

No?

Comparitive Effectiveness Research Commission
This is the beauracracy that listens to the CCER beaucracy. It is controlled by the "Ombudsman", it answers straight to the Health and Human Services Department.

Health Choices Admnistration HCA Commisioner
Okay. If you haven't been drooling yet, then you should be now.

This guy, who may be one person in charge of a bureau, chooses benefit levels for the exchange. In a sense, with the "help" of private insurance companies, he WRITES the templates that go into the exchange.

Or, correction, he oversees the Benefit Levels, and THEY write the templates. Or, does he write the benefit levels that oversee who gets cuts?

He writes the Health Affordability Credits, which are gift cards that make for cheaper insurance.

HEY TURTLESHROOM! WHERE AM I?!
You and I are the Consumers.

We pay taxes to the IRS, who distributes them to the funds and yada yada yada.

Some us us get Premiums to get cheaper Traditional Insurance. The Traditional Insurance answers to the Exchange.

Is your entire yearly income up to four levels above the poverty level? That makes you a Low Income Subsidy. For you Big Brother NOOBS, a subsidy is direct government funding. You get money to help you buy the insurance.

You answer to everything. There's no Bureaucracy controlled by the Masses.

WHERE'S MY DOCTOR?
Your doctor is on the other side of the chart.

Their health care tools and skills are packaged into insurance plans and shipped off for the Exchange templates. The Exchange then dictates what doctor skills get insured and by who, be it private or Public Option. After it is accepted by the Exhange, the Traditional Insurance can take a template in their name, where you can buy it in their name (you can't go to the exchange directly). I have a psychiatrist. If I want my psychiatrist insured by the companies, I have to pick a template that includes psychiatrists. If I want to cover my medicine too, I'd need a template with psychiatrists AND medicine. Surgery probably comes standard.

Is your doctor a physician? Then your doctor answers to the Physician Quality Reporting Initiative. If you don't meet the Initiave's standards, you can't be a doctor!

Is your doctor anything else? They must take a test from the bereau of Cultural and linguistic Competence Training. Why does your doctor need to learn about CULTURE to be a doctor? 'Cause Big Brother says so, that's why.

Is your doctor a direct prescriber? Does he order medicine for you? He must disclose his reports regarding "any transfers between providers and suppliers". These are then read by the Inspector General who answers to the Department of Health and Human Services and the Reinsurance Program, which helps unemployed people get insurance, The RP answers to the old-school Insurance Companies.

All doctors must also meet the National Priorities for Performance Improvement. If they don't, they're not doctors anymore.

Notes on Committees and Offices
Remember, unless it's a position, a commitee holds a bunch of people working in it. So, what we're not even seeing in the big picture are the bureaucrats in each "commitee" and "office".

Have you ever gone into a maze? That's how you would navigate this. On paper, it looks like a step-by-step maze, but if you wanted to go from one guy to another, you'd have to go to each office and commitee, one by one, and all offices and commitees and commissions have multiple employees. Think of the hallways in the game Super Mario RPG or Paper Mario's Thousand Year Door. You navigate the a maze, then it's a straight hallway for a while, then you're in another maze connected to the previous. Getting out of that will lead you down the track and then to a junction, where you choose other bureaucracies to navigate through, and more mazes. There's many paths to each destination.

Has Your Head Explodeed Yet?
Have I missed anything? Find me some more offices and Beuracracies and play and read the chart yourself right here.

That, my friends, is HR 3962, THE HEALTH CARE REFORM BILL!

Are you ready kids?!

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

= Parodies = Parodies after church!