The Billy Mays Autobiography

The Billy Mays Autobiography is an autobiography written by Billy Mays. It is considered to be fiction, because it makes numerous references to things like "America",, "Cats", or "Dollars". Director Benny does not aprove of it, but was overruled by Mayor McFlapp. It is written completely in capital letters, strange.. It also is being planned to be made into a Television Programme.

The Story
"I WAS BORN IN A COUNTRY CALLED AMERICA, WHEREVER THAT IS! FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE I TOOK AN INTEREST IN YELLING LOUDLY AND CLEANING PRODUCTS! HERE, WATCH THIS!!"

"WHEN I WAS A BABY, I WOULD WATCH MY MOTHER DO THE DISHES AND ONCE SHE WAS DONE I WOULD SAY IN BABY LANGAUGE 'FOR ONLY TWENTY DOLLARS YOU COULD OF BOUGHT ORANGE GLO TO HELP WITH YOUR DISHES'."

"I GAVE MY GRANDFATHER MANY A FRIGHT, WHEN I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD!! I CAME INTO HIS ROOM AND INTERRUPTED HIS SLEEP FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS WHILE TRYING TO SELL HIM VARIOUS USED CLEANING SUPPLIES I FOUND UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK! IT WORKED!! HE WAS SO DISORIENTED BY MY SCREAMING THAT HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING!! HE ALSO WENT DEAF TWENTY MINUTES LATER!!!"

"MY DAD'S A CARPENTER, AND HE WAS IN THE GARAGE WORKING A WOODEN TABLE LEG ON THE LATHE WHEN I TOLD HIM "WOOD DRIES OUT DAD! BUY SOME OF THIS ORANGE SCENTED SLURRY I FOUND AT GOODWILL FOR ONLY $2.99*, THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY $2.99!*" HE BECAME STARTLED BY MY LOUD VOICE AND INSTANTLY DISLOCATED HIS ARM IN THE LATHE! I THREW THAT ORANGE STUFF AT THE MACHINE AND KABOOM! AT ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD I HAD JUST INVENTED A PROTECTIVE COATING THAT'S NOW CALLED ORANGE GLO!"

"WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD I SAW MY MOTHER DOING THE LAUNDRY, SO I WALKED UP BEHIND HER AND YELLED "WATCH THIS MA!", CAUSING HER TO DUMP A BUNCH OF BLEACH INTO OUR COLOURED TOWELS, MAKING THEM ALL SHINY WHITE!! THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA!! WHY NOT BLEACH THE STUFFING OUT OF EVERYTHING WITH A PRODUCT CALLED OXI-WHITE?!"

"I ALSO MISTAKED MY LITTLE BROTHERS FINGER FOR A ROLL OF MIGHTY PUTTY!! I SAYED YOU JUST CUT LIKE DOUGH... DOUGH THEN ROLL IT INTO A BALL.. THIS CAUSED HIM TO GET A SEVER INFECTION AND NEARLY DIED!! +S&H BUT WAIT IM NOT DONE YET... CALL NOW AND YOU'LL RECIVE TWO CHICKENS, MY BROTHERS FINGER, A TIRE, A USED PEICE OF MIGHTY PUTTY, MY IMPALED CAT, THE HERCULES HOOKS THAT IMPALED THE CAT ALL FOR $99.99!!!!"


 * PLUS $7.99 S&H