Quest for the Golden Waffle



The following file is © 2008 to "Doohickey Industries", courtesy of TurtleShroom Productions.

Though this Wiki is indeed under GFDL licenseing, TurtleShroom swore under oath to prevent any sort of stealing, copying, or general plagarising, so please try not to steal this work.

Chapter 1: A Vacation On The Occasion
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:30 PM, December 19

The sun smiled cheerfully through as the ebbing tide slowly but surely drew back from the Dorkugese coast. Silver sand sparkled resplendently, beautifully contrasting with the deep blue, filtered waters of Pi Bay. It was the perfect time of year to go to the (artificial) beach, so it wasn't much of a suprise when The Antics Brothers turned up at the site first thing on their vacation to Dorkugal. The brothers were pretty popular throughout the USA, especially in Dorkugese culture. Most said it was because Fred, the older and geekier one, was Dorkugal’s beloved delegate on the South Pole Council. Whatever it was, the two brothers were just famous, and they didn’t care. They didn’t live in a huge mansion, castle, or palace. The brothers lived in separate igloos (the normal kind of igloo, mind you) across the street. And they didn’t walk around in rich clothes or anything like that. Most of the time, the brothers wore casual, everyday clothing, along with their trademark hats: Explorer wore a red propeller hat and Fred wore a purple graduation cap. On that particular morning, the two brothers were lying back in deck chairs, patiently awaiting the arrival of the smoothie-mobile.

“Ahhh,” sighed Fred as he gazed around the perfectly simulated artificial beach. “It’s amazing what you can do with computer technology and holograms.”

“Huh,” muttered Explorer, who wasn’t a big fan of artificial simulations. “It would be better if they actually let us go outside.”

“Well,” insisted Fred, “at least it’s safe in here. This is Floor Twenty Four. What if there was a tsunami outside, huh? ”

“But it’s not natural!” cried Explorer. “It doesn’t come anywhere near close to the real beaches I’ve seen. Tell me, where are all the seashells? Or how about the starfishes? Huh?”

“There are seashells here, Explorer!” Fred said in exasperation as he bent down and picked up an artificial conch. It had a little blinking LED light on the tip. “And here’s a starfish. See?” The starfish made a beeping sound when shaken.

“Bah!” screamed Explorer, tossing away the fake starfish that Fred had given him. “It's made of silicon! The water is filtered, and don't even get me started about the silver sand! What's it made of anyway?!"

Fred smiled. "It's made of recycled, ground up aluminum. It's as soft to the touch as sugar or flour... not at all like the rough textured feel of real sand."

Explorer was fed up with it. "AAAAAHHH!! I just want natural stuff here, not some recycled powder for sand, or stupid simulated sunshine or something like that!”

“Did you just call that brilliant artificial sunshine ‘stupid’?!” shouted Fred as he jumped up to confront Explorer. “It’s fluorescent AND energy saving!”

“Oh, yeah?” Explorer retorted. “The sun doesn’t have to be plugged into some silly socket or anything. And it doesn’t burn out either!”

"It will burn out in five billion years '  time!" Fred responded.

"That's Darwinism!" Explorer yelled back. "You know I don't believe in that!"

"Well, if He doesn't come back by then, the sun would anyway!" Fred shouted.

"WE WOULD BE DEAD BY THEN!" Explorer bellowed. "While I'm on that subject, why do the Dorkugese even dress like they do?! It looks medieval!" Explorer, now in blind rage, screamed at the air. "This isn't the 1500s!!"

Gasps were heard.

"Oh, no he did not!", a Dorkugese penguin replied.

Explorer and Fred were now standing up in fighting position, flippers raised in the air. Everyone inside the indoor beach was staring at the two arguers, wondering what would happen next.

Without warning, the fight was abruptly interrupted by a loud screech coming from the back of the room. As a blinding cloud of powdered aluminum swept across the artificial beach, a loud cheer went up from the crowd of vacationers as they rushed towards the source of the noise.

“Look, it’s the smoothie-mobile!” Explorer shouted excitedly over the commotion. “Come on, let’s go!”

The two brothers eagerly sprinted over the artificial beach, treading over silicon starfishes, copper clams, and steel conch shells. They got into line 3rd place, and not a moment too soon! A large cue of impatient Dorkugese had already formed behind Explorer and Fred.

“Phew!” Explorer sighed in relief. “We finally made it without getting run over by the mob!” “A definite first, I’m sure,” Fred panted. “But don’t mention ordinals now. It’s our turn!”

As the brothers stepped up to the side of the mobile, the line behind them began to chant. “AN-TICS! AN-TICS! AN-TICS! WHAT A SPECTACULAR PHENOMENON TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR BEING!!” Ironically, they all screamed the same sentence at the same time.

Thankfully, the vendor in the mobile was kind enough to alleviate the two brothers of their embarrassment. “Now, calm down, people,” the vendor called out to the cue. “I know you want their bitmaps and such, but these two fine gentlemen have to get their smoothies!” Turning to Explorer, she said, “So, what would you like, Mr. Antics?” “Well,” Explorer said thoughtfully, “I think I’ll do with a Wi-Fi Whirl, Aleph-Sized.” As the vendor scribbled Explorer’s order onto a PDA, Fred stepped up to the mobile and said, “I’ll have a congruent sample, please, but can you square the size? I’m quite hungry today.” “Of course, Mr. Antics,” replied the kind vendor, “I never knew a geek who wasn’t hungry. Here you are!” “Thank you, ma’am,” Explorer called over his shoulder as he and Fred walked away.

As the two brothers sank back down in their deck chairs with the smoothies, a loud beeping sound rang out from Explorer’s Bluebeak headset. “Hello?” Explorer asked as he sat back in his chair.

“Hey, Explorer!” a familiar voice replied. “You didn’t think you were gonna leave us behind on your nice vacation, did you?”

“Happyface!” Explorer grinned. “So, you did board the plane after all.”

“Yup, me and Barkjon boarded at the very last minute. You guys were asleep in first-class, so we snuck right past you and got a seat at the back just as the plane was about to take off. Talk about the nick of time!”

“So,” Explorer asked, “where are you guys?”

"We're driving on Highway... 12, yes, Exit 13A," Happyface replied. "What hotel are you guys at again?"

"It's the Snitz-Farlton," Fred replied through a beakful of smoothie. "On the corner of Transcendental and 3.14th, Floor 24."

"Ok, guys!" Happyface finshed. "We'll be right there!"

As Explorer turned off his Bluebeak, Fred laid back and sighed, "What are friends for?"

Chapter 2: Broken Redirects, Tags, And Out Of Wack Formatting
 #REDIRECTQuest_For_The_Golden_Waffle 

Irrational St, Exit 13A, Highway 12, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:40 PM, December 19 At the intersection of Irrational St and 2.72nd St, Happyface and Barkjon impatiently sat in a red minivan, waiting for the LED traffic light to turn green.

“Come on, stupid red light!” Happyface shouted as he honked the horn. “Go already!”

The traffic light seemed to hesitate for a moment, then hastily switched to green.

As a mass of cars poured out of the intersection, Barkjon suddenly noticed something that was quite wrong.

“Er, Happyface?” Barkjon asked. “Haven’t you noticed that the book just cut from Explorer and Fred to us? It’s not supposed to do that.”

“What do you mean?” Happyface replied as he turned a corner.

“I mean that the book’s plot is focusing on us,” Barkjon explained. “It’s supposed to skip this part and cut straight to the scene where we arrive at the Snitz-Farlton.”

“Maybe it’s a programming error in the script,” Happyface suggested. “Why don’t you see if you can fix it?”

Barkjon pulled out the script from his pocket and scrutinized it.

“There’s a broken redirect on Line 2,” he called out to Happyface. “Here, look at it for yourself.”

“Oh, that?” Happyface said lightly as he pulled onto 3.14th St. “That’s just an accidental misuse of the  tag. You should be able to fix it.”

“Alrighty, you little stubborn piece of HTML,” Barkjon muttered as he tugged on the  tag, which refused to move. “You’ll learn not to break perfectly good redirects when I’m finished with ya!”

All of a sudden, the  tag flew off the script and out of the open window. For some weird reason, the script began flashing blue, much to the annoyance of Happyface and Barkjon.

“The redirect should be loading any second now,” Barkjon told Happyface as he tried to undo the out - of - wack formatting. “Otherwise we’ll be stuck here with our quotes flashing cyan for another 20 minutes. ”

" Well, " replied Happyface, "it might be a side effect . I've heard of redirects being loaded and penguins' quotes going superscript. Hey, look, our quotes stopped flashi--"

Redirect loading, please wait.

REDIRECT: Quest For The Golden Waffle

Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed
Due to the formatting errors, Happyface and Barkjon would be a long ways off. After hearing the bad news via Explorer's Bluebeak, the Antics Brothers decided to patiently wait. Fred decided to go pick up a good book, and bidding Explorer goodbye, he snagged a copy of the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol. Explorer, however, wasn't interested in books. He would rather go sightseeing. Exiting the artificial beach and still chugging his smoothie, he looked around Floor Twenty Four. It looked like any mall, with simple tiles, rooms, and a few "houses", which were more like massive dormitories than actual residences. Walking around and taking all of the areas end, he bumped into a little fellow passing by.

"HEY! WATCH WE'RE YOU'RE GOING! PENGHIS KHAN WAS WALKING!"

Explorer looked up. What was Penghis Khan doing at Dorkugal?! Penghis Khan looked at Explorer.

"Penghis Khan remembers you. You locked Penghis Khan in a movie theater with WHAT?!? playing on the screen. He had to sit through a long and boring movie."

Explorer gulped. He remembered that... and the fish that followed. In want of a change of subject, Explorer immediately switched tack.

"How in the name of waffles did you get into the final draft of this book? I should know you're not supposed to be here; I'm the main writer of this thing."

Penghis just rolled his eyes and said "Nevermind that, Penghis Khan was inserted by one of the users, to 'stop writer's block'. What is writer's block, anyway?"

Explorer, instead of obliging to tell Khan that "writer's block" was a severe writing disorder where the said writer got a "block of ideas", took out the recent changes page and began thumbing through the log to confirm Khan's claim. Of course, this made Penghis Khan even madder.

"YOU SHALL TELL PENGHIS KHAN WHAT 'WRITER'S BLOCK IS, OR YOU SHALL RECEIVE HIS IMPERIAL PWNAGE!!!"

Now it was Explorer's turn to roll his eyes. Penghis Khan thinks he rules a great nation. He decided to play along, and agreed. After all, Penghis Khan speaks loudly and carries a big fish.

"Look, I put the definition nine lines above! You can just pull out the page and see for yourself! Now, what do you want with me, you little fish-slapping phreak?!"

Explorer thought the last part of the sentence, in lieu of being wacked with a Mullet twice the size of himself.

"Penghis Khan wants to follow you."

"What?"

"You heard Penghis Khan. He wants to follow you. Penghis Khan enjoys your company."

Explorer really didn't want the Emperor of Pengolia following him. Though, it wasn't as if he had a choice. Recalling Fred's advice, "Penghis Khan's Demand $$+$$ Explorer's Rejection $$=$$ Pain $$\times$$ 108", he had to say yes. Penghis Khan clapped with joy. Thankfully, the Dorkugese never actually met Khan before. They perceived him as a little chick with a bratty attitude.

With a sigh, Explorer waddled through the halls of the Dorkugese skyscraper, Khan in tow. Penghis Khan also marveled at the buildings, until he stopped. Explorer, noticing the monarch's stopping, rushed over before his servants could slap him. Penghis Khan was seething at the stall in front of him. It was another Burger Khan restaurant. Everyone knew how he felt about those places. He took out his fish.

"FOUL INDIGNIFYING RESTAURANT, FACE PENGHIS KHAN'S IMPERIAL PWNAGE!"

Penghis Khan ran over to the logo, dragging his Mullet.

"WHY DO YOU MOCK PENGHIS KAHN WITH YOUR SMILING?!" he screamed at the logo.

Penghis Khan tried to whack the building, but he was too short.

"PROPELLOR BIRD!" Penghis Khan screamed at Explorer. "HELP PENGHIS KHAN DESTROY THIS EDIBLE CRETIN!"

Explorer rejected. His servants took out a vial of Ditto A, and showed it to him. He quickly waddled toward Penghis Khan. Alas, Explorer was too short to knock over the logo either. Penghis Khan summoned his servants. Holding out a roll of what looked like condemnation tape, he ordered his servants to evacuate the restaurant and put the tape all over the door. They obeyed, and while Penghis Khan was yelling at the logo, Explorer slipped away, still drinking that smoothie. It was great to get away from the "emperor". Explorer hoped not to run across anyone else, except for Happyface and Barkjon.

To be continued...