Quest for the Golden Waffle

The following file is © 2008 to "Doohickey Industries", courtesy of TurtleShroom Productions.

Though this Wiki is indeed under GFDL licenseing, TurtleShroom swore under oath to prevent any sort of stealing, copying, or general plagarising, so please try not to steal this work.

Pwned!
According to the GFDL licensing on this wiki, this story, if copied by the readers, must be attributed to the contributors/authors:
 * 1) Explorer 767
 * 2) TurtleShroom
 * 3) Happyface141
 * 4) Barkjon

Read the COC or look at the copyright symbol above for more.

= Book I: Dorkugal = Explorer, Fred, and their buddies are on vacation at Dorkugal, and, quite by accident, discover a family secret that dates back years. But there is one unanswered question that remains: What do a bottomless smoothie cup, an ancient mainframe, an old hobo who is an ex-archeaologist, a series of formatting errors, a bunch of flying, disfigured ellipses, and a shrine full of constants have to do with The Golden Waffle? And why are antagonists popping up in the book so early?

Chapter 1: A Vacation On The Occasion
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:30 PM, Novemeber 28

The sun smiled cheerfully through as the ebbing tide slowly but surely drew back from the Dorkugese coast. Silver sand sparkled resplendently, beautifully contrasting with the deep blue, filtered waters of Pi Bay. It was the perfect time of year to go to the (artificial) beach, so it wasn't much of a suprise when The Antics Brothers turned up at the site first thing on their vacation to Dorkugal. The brothers were pretty popular throughout the USA, especially in Dorkugese culture. Most said it was because Fred, the older and geekier one, was Dorkugal’s beloved delegate on the South Pole Council. Whatever it was, the two brothers were just famous, and they didn’t care. They didn’t live in a huge mansion, castle, or palace. The brothers lived in separate igloos (the normal kind of igloo, mind you) across the street. And they didn’t walk around in rich clothes or anything like that. Most of the time, the brothers wore casual, everyday clothing, along with their trademark hats: Explorer wore a red propeller hat and Fred wore a purple graduation cap. On that particular morning, the two brothers were lying back in deck chairs, patiently awaiting the arrival of the smoothie-mobile.

“Ahhh,” sighed Fred as he gazed around the perfectly simulated artificial beach. “It’s amazing what you can do with computer technology and holograms.”

“Huh,” muttered Explorer, who wasn’t a big fan of artificial simulations. “It would be better if they actually let us go outside.”

“Well,” insisted Fred, “at least it’s safe in here. This is Floor Twenty Four. What if there was a tsunami outside, huh? ”

“But it’s not natural!” cried Explorer. “It doesn’t come anywhere near close to the real beaches I’ve seen. Tell me, where are all the seashells? Or how about the starfishes? Huh?”

“There are seashells here, Explorer!” Fred said in exasperation as he bent down and picked up an artificial conch. It had a little blinking LED light on the tip. “And here’s a starfish. See?” The starfish made a beeping sound when shaken.

“Bah!” screamed Explorer, tossing away the fake starfish that Fred had given him. “It's made of silicon! The water is filtered, and don't even get me started about the silver sand! What's it made of anyway?!"

Fred smiled. "It's made of recycled, ground up aluminum. It's as soft to the touch as sugar or flour... not at all like the rough textured feel of real sand."

Explorer was fed up with it. "AAAAAHHH!! I just want natural stuff here, not some recycled powder for sand, or stupid simulated sunshine or something like that!”

“Did you just call that brilliant artificial sunshine ‘stupid’?!” shouted Fred as he jumped up to confront Explorer. “It’s fluorescent AND energy saving!”

“Oh, yeah?” Explorer retorted. “The sun doesn’t have to be plugged into some silly socket or anything. And it doesn’t burn out either!”

"It will burn out in five billion years '  time!" Fred responded.

"That's Darwinism!" Explorer yelled back. "You know I don't believe in that!"

"Well, if He doesn't come back by then, the sun would anyway!" Fred shouted.

"WE WOULD BE DEAD BY THEN!" Explorer bellowed. "While I'm on that subject, why do the Dorkugese even dress like they do?! It looks medieval!" Explorer, now in blind rage, screamed at the air. "This isn't the 1500s!!"

Gasps were heard.

"Oh, no he did not!", a Dorkugese penguin replied.

Explorer and Fred were now standing up in fighting position, flippers raised in the air. Everyone inside the indoor beach was staring at the two arguers, wondering what would happen next.

Without warning, the fight was abruptly interrupted by a loud screech coming from the back of the room. As a blinding cloud of powdered aluminum swept across the artificial beach, a loud cheer went up from the crowd of vacationers as they rushed towards the source of the noise.

“Look, it’s the smoothie-mobile!” Explorer shouted excitedly over the commotion. “Come on, let’s go!”

The two brothers eagerly sprinted over the artificial beach, treading over silicon starfishes, copper clams, and steel conch shells. They got into line 3rd place, and not a moment too soon! A large cue of impatient Dorkugese had already formed behind Explorer and Fred.

“Phew!” Explorer sighed in relief. “We finally made it without getting run over by the mob!” “A definite first, I’m sure,” Fred panted. “But don’t mention ordinals now. It’s our turn!”

As the brothers stepped up to the side of the mobile, the line behind them began to chant. “AN-TICS! AN-TICS! AN-TICS! WHAT A SPECTACULAR PHENOMENON TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR BEING!!” Ironically, they all screamed the same sentence at the same time.

Thankfully, the vendor in the mobile was kind enough to alleviate the two brothers of their embarrassment. “Now, calm down, people,” the vendor called out to the cue. “I know you want their bitmaps and such, but these two fine gentlemen have to get their smoothies!” Turning to Explorer, she said, “So, what would you like, Mr. Antics?” “Well,” Explorer said thoughtfully, “I think I’ll do with a Wi-Fi Whirl, Aleph-Sized.” As the vendor scribbled Explorer’s order onto a PDA, Fred stepped up to the mobile and said, “I’ll have a congruent sample, please, but can you square the size? I’m quite hungry today.” “Of course, Mr. Antics,” replied the kind vendor, “I never knew a geek who wasn’t hungry. Here you are!” “Thank you, ma’am,” Explorer called over his shoulder as he and Fred walked away.

As the two brothers sank back down in their deck chairs with the smoothies, a loud beeping sound rang out from Explorer’s Bluebeak headset. “Hello?” Explorer asked as he sat back in his chair.

“Hey, Explorer!” a familiar voice replied. “You didn’t think you were gonna leave us behind on your nice vacation, did you?”

“Happyface!” Explorer grinned. “So, you did board the plane after all.”

“Yup, me and Barkjon boarded at the very last minute. You guys were asleep in first-class, so we snuck right past you and got a seat at the back just as the plane was about to take off. Talk about the nick of time!”

“So,” Explorer asked, “where are you guys?”

"We're driving on Highway... 12, yes, Exit 13A," Happyface replied. "What hotel are you guys at again?"

"It's the Snitz-Farlton," Fred replied through a beakful of smoothie. "On the corner of Transcendental and 3.14th, Floor 24."

"Ok, guys!" Happyface finshed. "We'll be right there!"

As Explorer turned off his Bluebeak, Fred laid back and sighed, "What are friends for?"

Chapter 2: Broken Redirects, Tags, And Out Of Wack Formatting
 #REDIRECTQuest_For_The_Golden_Waffle 

Irrational St, Exit 13A, Highway 12, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:40 PM, November 28

At the intersection of Irrational St and 2.72nd St, Happyface and Barkjon impatiently sat in a red minivan, waiting for the LED traffic light to turn green. “Come on!” Happyface shouted at the traffic light as he honked the horn. “Go already!”

The traffic light seemed to hesitate for a moment, then hastily switched to green. "Slowpoke computers," Happyface muttered as he signaled left and turned.

As a mass of cars poured out of the intersection, Barkjon suddenly noticed something that was quite wrong.

“Er, Happyface?” Barkjon asked. “Haven’t you noticed that the book just cut from Explorer and Fred to us? It’s not supposed to do that.”

“What do you mean?” Happyface replied as he turned a corner.

“I mean that the book’s plot is focusing on us,” Barkjon explained. “It’s supposed to skip this part and cut straight to the scene where we arrive at the Snitz-Farlton.”

“Maybe it’s a programming error in the script,” Happyface suggested. “Why don’t you see if you can fix it?”

Barkjon pulled out the script from his pocket and scrutinized it.

“There’s a broken redirect on Line 2,” he called out to Happyface. “Here, look at it for yourself.”

“Oh, that?” Happyface said lightly as he pulled onto 3.14th St. “That’s just an accidental misuse of the  tag. You should be able to fix it.”

“Alrighty, you little stubborn piece of HTML,” Barkjon muttered as he tugged on the  tag, which refused to move. “You’ll learn not to break perfectly good redirects when I’m finished with ya!”

All of a sudden, the  tag flew off the script and out of the open window. For some weird reason, the script began flashing blue, much to the annoyance of Happyface and Barkjon.

“The redirect should be loading any second now,” Barkjon told Happyface as he tried to undo the out - of - wack formatting. “Otherwise we’ll be stuck here with our quotes flashing cyan for another 20 minutes. ”

" Well, " replied Happyface, "it might be a side effect . I've heard of redirects being loaded and penguins' quotes going superscript. Hey, look, our quotes stopped flashi--"

Redirect loading, please wait.

REDIRECT: Quest For The Golden Waffle

Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal 1:13 PM, November 28

Due to the crazy formatting errors, Happyface and Barkjon would be a long ways off. After hearing the bad news via Explorer's Bluebeak, the Antics Brothers decided to patiently wait. Fred decided to go pick up a good book, and bidding Explorer goodbye, he snagged a copy of the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol. Explorer, however, wasn't interested in books. He would rather go sightseeing. Exiting the artificial beach and still chugging his smoothie, he looked around Floor Twenty Four. It looked like any mall, with simple tiles, rooms, and a few "houses", which were more like massive dormitories than actual residences. Walking around and taking all of the areas end, he bumped into a little fellow passing by.

"HEY! WATCH WE'RE YOU'RE GOING! PENGHIS KHAN WAS WALKING!"

Explorer looked up. What was Penghis Khan doing at Dorkugal?! Penghis Khan looked at Explorer.

"Penghis Khan remembers you. You locked Penghis Khan in a movie theater with WHAT?!? playing on the screen. He had to sit through a long and boring movie. THREE TIMES!!!"

Explorer gulped. He remembered that... and the fish that followed. In want of a change of subject, Explorer immediately swapped topic.

"How in the name of waffles did you get into the final draft of this book? I should know you're not supposed to be here; I'm the main writer of this thing."

Penghis Khan stared. "This is a book? Is this not real? Penghis Khan doubts your sanity."

Explorer rolled his eyes and frowned. He and his twin brother Fred were one of the few penguins who knew of the Fourth Wall. To everyone else, the experience was real.

"Let me guess," Explorer mumbled to the readers. "Writer's block?"

"Penghis Khan wants to know what a writer block is," Penghis Khan interrupted. "Tell him. NOW."

Explorer, instead of obliging to tell Khan that "writer's block" was a severe writing disorder where the said writer got a "block of ideas", took out the recent changes page and began thumbing through the log to confirm Khan's claim. Of course, this made Penghis Khan even madder.

"YOU SHALL TELL PENGHIS KHAN WHAT 'WRITER'S BLOCK IS, OR YOU SHALL RECEIVE HIS IMPERIAL PWNAGE!!!"

Explorer rolled his eyes again. Penghis Khan thinks he rules a great nation. He decided to play along, and agreed. After all, Penghis Khan speaks loudly and carries a big fish.

"Look, I put the definition ten lines above! You can just pull out the page and see for yourself! Now, what do you want with me, you little fish-slapping phreak?!"

Explorer thought the last part of the sentence, in lieu of being whacked with a Mullet twice the size of himself.

"Penghis Khan thinks you are weird, with your theories of us being controlled by someone that is not us. Penghis Khan laughs at your thoughts. Very greatly." Penghis Khan laughed. Very greatly.

Explorer ignored him. "What do you want anyway?"

"Penghis Khan wants to follow you."

"What?!"

"You heard Penghis Khan. He wants to follow you. Penghis Khan enjoys your company."

Explorer really didn't want the Emperor of Pengolia following him. Though, it wasn't as if he had a choice. Recalling Fred's advice, "Penghis Khan's Demand $$+$$ Your Rejection $$=$$ Pain $$\times$$ 1013", he had to say yes. Penghis Khan clapped with joy. Thankfully, the Dorkugese never actually met Khan before. They perceived him as a little chick with a bratty attitude.

With a sigh, Explorer waddled through the halls of Floor Twenty Four, Khan in tow. Penghis Khan also marveled at the buildings, until he stopped. Explorer, noticing the monarch's stopping, rushed over before his servants could slap him. Penghis Khan was seething at the stall in front of him. It was another Burger Khan restaurant. Everyone knew how he felt about those places. He took out his fish.

"FOUL INDIGNIFYING RESTAURANT, FACE PENGHIS KHAN'S IMPERIAL PWNAGE!"

Penghis Khan ran over to the logo, dragging his Mullet.

"WHY DO YOU MOCK PENGHIS KAHN WITH YOUR SMILING?!" he screamed at the logo.

Penghis Khan tried to whack the building, but he was too short.

"PROPELLOR BIRD!" Penghis Khan screamed at Explorer. "HELP PENGHIS KHAN DESTROY THIS EDIBLE CRETIN!"

Explorer rejected. His servants took out a vial of Ditto A, and showed it to him. He quickly waddled toward Penghis Khan. Alas, Explorer was too short to knock over the logo either (though he could have blown it up with spare dynamite). Penghis Khan summoned his servants. Holding out a roll of what looked like condemnation tape, he ordered his servants to evacuate the restaurant and put the tape all over the door. They obeyed, and while Penghis Khan was yelling at the logo, Explorer slipped away, still drinking that smoothie. It was great to get away from the "emperor". Explorer hoped not to run across anyone else, except for Happyface and Barkjon.

He was wrong.

Turning a corner, Explorer ran into a Dorkugese penguin, one dressed in a rather shabby business suit and fancy tie. Explorer suddenly remembered who the penguin was. It was Edwin Freezer Luge, the bitter old miser who ran the Quantum Computing company on Floor 66. He was so rude and greedy, even the big conglomerates refused to buy his business! Explorer also remembered that two years ago, Edwin had "accidentally" run him over with one of his snowmobiles on this very floor. Explorer had always despised him after that incident.

"Get back, miser," Explorer threatened, pulling out his shovel. "I've got a spade!" The finely carved shovel gleamed in the fluorescent light.

What happened next was rather unexpected.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING EXPLORER!", Edwin shouted gleefully. "Here, have some radians!" Edwin promptly tossed 42,705 worth in radians into Explorer's player card.

42,705 radia?! That was unheard of in Dorkugal! The only penguins there with that amount of money were Mr. Luge, Billy Fence I, and, of course the Antics Brothers themselves.

Explorer also remembered something else: Wasn't Edwin Freezer Luge the rich miser starring in the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol? And why was he being so generous? Most of the time he was quite greedy and grumpy, especially to his IT assistant, Curta Jobs. Explorer pondered over this for a minute. He then answered Mr. Luge while holding up a "DEJA VU" sign to the readers.

"Paranormal experience, Mister Luge?"

"Affirmative, my boy, affirmative!" Edwin replied, laughing. "Oh, and what it taught me! Happy Thanksgiving!"

Explorer found the entire thing very phreaky and weird.

"Oh, and about that whole... snowmobile... incident... I'm sorry. I have a gift in return."

Edwin tossed over the keys to his snowmobile, and his backup snowmobile, and the backup of his backup snowmobile.

"You're giving me three snowmobiles?" Explorer asked in shock.

"Yes sir! It's the least I could do," Edwin replied.

Explorer realized just how much he could buy with all that radia. 42,705 radians plus three snowmobiles! What gift could be better than that?

Forgetting all else, including the fact that Happyface and Barkjon were still late, and that Mr. Luge was acting very weird, Explorer hastily thanked Edwin, hopped into the snowmobile that Edwin had left beside him, and drove off to the garage on Floor 25, yelling "WOOT! SHOPPING SPREE!!!" as he went. Explorer planned to spend most of his money at the Giga-Market on Floor 66. He would park the snowmobile at the garage, then take an elevator up to the mall. After parking the snowmobile at the garage, Explorer waddled off to Dorkugal's high-tech set of elevators.

Continuing his adventures through the building, he ran into a huge black penguin. It was rather frightening for tiny Explorer to see a penguin three times his height. The penguin wore a red sweater... and a green belt. Explorer gulped.

"Just back away." Explorer thought, "Maybe he won't see you."

Explorer tried to slip away quietly, but he stepped on a pair of glasses that broke. The other penguin turned around. It was Winston, the infamous ninja that could hug the breath out of any penguin, and probably break Mabel's glasses.

"Hello friend! How's my favorite shovel wielding penguin?"

The disgrace to ninjas immediantly grabbed Explorer before he could run. He was --

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!" Explorer yelled to the narrator. "'HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS BOOK?! AND WHY IS WINSTON ONE OF THEM?!!! DO I HAVE TO BE TORTURED THIS MUCH?! MUST I ENDURE THIS VICE GRIP OF PAIN AND SUFFERING?!! WHAT KIND OF A WEIRD, PHREAKY NOVEL AM'' I IN, ANYWAY?!!"

Nothing happened, except for Winston hugging Explorer even tighter.

"Okay," Explorer shrugged to the narrator. "I'll take my contract to another publisher, and sue the shirt off-"

Suddenly, Explorer forgot what he was saying. Winston hugged some more.

Struggling for breath, Explorer managed to scream the following sentence:

"Was *ack* I about *ack* to sue the worthless *ack* narrator who loves to *ack* abuse *ack* the protag- *ack* -anist?"

"Don't worry about lawsuits!" Winston stated. "Lawyers are not really scum-bags. They just need a good hug!"

Explorer couldn't escape Winston's grasp. He decided to use trickery.

"Win *ack* ston! Look! There's a lonely penguin *ack* who *ack* needs a *ack* hug!"

Explorer lifted a flipper toward Penghis Khan, who had successfully converted the Burger Khan to a souvenir shop that sold stuffed Penghis Khans (4 rad each).

Looking at the Emperor, Winston let go of Explorer, who then fell to the ground, consequently knocking his little propeller hat off. With ninja-like speed, Winston was then swiftly and silently, like a thief in the night, running toward Penghis Khan.

"Hello friend! How's my favorite little chick? Still grumpy? You need a hhhuuuuggggg!!!!" Winston quickly approached Penghis Khan. He took off running.

Explorer felt better. He presumed the narrator had listened to his plea.

"Now that my horrific incident of literary terror is over, I think I'll do some sight seeing... and maybe get a chiropractor," Explorer thoughtfully added. He waddled off, hoping to reach the elevators without running into anyone else.

For my health, will someone write the next chapter?! he thought.

Explorer must have met over a million Dorkugese that afternoon. He had wandered through Pi Island's East Wing for about four hours straight, and had seen and done a lot. Explorer had rode 20 times in the high-tech elevators, washed his propeller hat three times in the laundromatic (4 rad per laser-clean), bought 136 radians worth of souvenirs, watched two documentaries for 40 rad each, and stopped seven times at a small shop to refill his smoothie cup (1 rad per refill) ; added to this he had passed 14 Coins for Change donation kiosks, and emptied an equal amount of money into each one. Now ⅓ of his original 42,705 radia were gone from his player card, and there was still no sign of Happyface and Barkjon. Explorer wearily waddled up the corridors of Floor 24 until he reached Dormitory 13, his personal quarters (Fred was staying in the room opposite the hallway). But before Explorer could allow the retinal scanner to identify himself, a loud BOOM! echoed through the aisle, and Explorer was knocked off his webbed feet.

Chapter 4: Flashbacks Can Be A Pain In The Tail Feathers
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal 5:05 PM, November 28

Explorer was facedown on the floor. All he could hear was muffled thumping coming from behind him.

This better be good, he thought as he rose.

Suddenly, a loud TSEEEEEW!!! rippled through the room, and the air began flashing blue. Clouds of purple smoke filled the room.

"*cough* Oh, *cough* yeah, the *cough* worth-*cough*-less *cough* narrator's *cough* at it *cough* again *cough*," Explorer mumbled aggravatedly. "What *cough* now?"

All of a sudden, two dark figures fell out of nowhere and sent the purple smoke flying everywhere. Explorer coughed vigorously again. What he saw when the smoke cleared suprised him.

It was Happyface and Barkjon!

“Ooh…” Barkjon moaned, “teleporting makes me sick…”

“WHERE IN THE NAME OF PSYCHOS HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?!” Explorer yelled all of a sudden at the duo. Barkjon, who was unaccustomed to being shouted at while nauseous, immediately fainted. Happyface quickly pulled out his icePod while explaining to Explorer.

"Well, you see, Explorer," Happyface said as he attempted CPR on Barkjon, "we encountered a bit of formatting errors, a guy who smelled like rotten cheese, a broken redirect, a time warp, and... oh, there's so much to explain. Can I lay out a sub-chapter for your convienience?"

"Sure," Explorer shrugged. "Whatever you like. As long as you don't bore the readers."

"Ok," replied Happyface as he stepped away from Barkjon and slouched back against the wall. "It all started here... CUE FLASHBACK!!!"

Chapter 4 ½: The Tail Tale of Happyface and Barkjon
3.14th Street, Pi Island, Dorkugal 12:40 PM, November 28

To be continued...

= Trivia  =
 * Do you know how much Explorer spent in Chapter 3? If so, comment here!
 * A film concerning the events of this book is currently in production. See Quest For The Golden Waffle/Film for more.